This whole buying a house thing? I've reached the point where I have no blessed idea what the hell is going on, and we need to do things ZOMGNAO and there are papers to be signed and a mysterious sum from the sellers that maybe might be coming but maybe not and maybe the bank will allow it and maybe they won't and I'm just DONE. I hate it, but I've asked Eric to take it from here on this part, because I literally have no idea what half the stuff he and our real estate agent are talking about. NONE.

Between that, the various stresses of work (we still haven't hired my backfill after my promotion, and another team is down two people, so they've asked for help as well, and half a dozen things are getting ready to happen soon-ish), dealing with a bunch of people shouting at us on a not-infrequent basis (really, protesters? Either go away, or bring pie.), I've been a stressball of epic proportions for weeks, and everything seems to be suffering. I have anti-anxiety meds, and I can take half of one pill and drink something caffeinated and not fall asleep at work - that's about the best I can hope for at this point. I HATE being dependent on medication, though, as several of you know, but some days, it's either that or curling up under my desk and hiding, and I'm pretty sure my boss won't let me do that.

On another, weird, note - coming back from an off-site meeting this morning with a couple of people I know ish (like, we say hi in the kitchen and such, but we don't work on the same team or work together on a regular basis), and somehow the fact that my father was in the military came up. Both of them responded with "THAT explains it!", and proceeded to try to delicately explain what the hell "it" was. One of them was fairly complimentary - "you always strike me as needing to make sure everything is running smoothly and correctly if it's on your watch" - I can deal with that. It means I'm a control freak, but I knew that.

The other, though..."OK, listen to what I'm saying, not the words I'm using. You have an...edge...to you. In a good way!" OK, guys? Little FYI - "in a good way" rarely works to make whatever you just said not sound bad. I'm...not really sure how to take that. An edge? Maybe? I dunno. Like I said, these are people I don't know extremely well, but that almost makes it worse - it means that this is the public face I'm giving off. What do you guys think? (Why yes, I am shamelessly soliciting opinions of me - it is LJ, after all. :) )

No whooping cough for me! Yay! Still a bit cough-a-riffic, but no longer contagious. Woooooooooo*hackcoughwheeze*

OK, maybe I need to hold off on the celebration just yet. :)

So, for the last week or two I've been feeling pretty crappy - congested, coughing like crazy, overall achy and bleh. Now, the achy, I could explain pretty easily, as my office went paintballing on Friday, and I'm not exactly in paintball shape. I've got some impressive bruises, and my right arm was killing me the next day. But after a few days, I realized that there's no way the aches are still from paintball. I decided to head to the clinic near my office yesterday to get checked out (and get a vaccination at the same time, since they were doing those for free for Amazon employees). I figured it might be a sinus infection or something, so I figured some antibiotics and I'd be all right.

Instead, they decided that they needed to test me for whooping cough, because there's been something of an "epidemic" in the area. And, of course, it's rather contagious, so I can't go back to work until after the test comes back (and, if the test comes back positive, I can't go back until I finish up a round of antibiotics, which I've already started). I hate it - yes, I feel fairly miserable (the cough's gotten a little worse), but I hate that I can't DO anything. I'm working from home today (and probably tomorrow, since it takes 24-48 hours to get the test results back), which is hard to do. Overall, though, I just hate being sick. And thus, I go to LiveJournal to bitch about it. :)

The very first thing that I can remember is from when I was about four. We were living in North Dakota at the time, which was where I was born, and I vaguely remember that the house was yellow, and it had two stories. The stairs had a small landing, which had a couple of big bookcases on it.

I remember being upstairs with my brother, and then I remember falling. I hit the landing and managed to continue falling all the way to the first floor. I don't remember it hurting very much, just that it scared me a lot. I've always been clumsy, and I think this was the first time I'd ever had a "big" fall.

To this day, I'm actually still afraid of being on stairs. It doesn't help that about once every couple of years or so, I'll end up falling down the stairs again. In college, I lived in the third and fourth floors of the library, which had some fairly rickety stairs leading up to the stacks. There was at least a couple of times that I would be leaving the library and would end up flat on my back as my feet went out from under me. Fortunately, I never fell head over heels the way I did that first time, but it was still terrifying every time, and I'm always vaguely nervous when I climb stairs - especially coming down.

I've the feeling that this exercise is going to show a lot more about my various neuroses than anything else. :)

I never jest, and don't call me Shirley. :)





{Take the 100 Things challenge!}

Thanks, oddmanrush, for pointing this out.

My subject? 100 memories that explain/illustrate why I am the way I am. Otherwise known as an exercise in narcissism. :)

Every time I start to think that things can't get worse for myself, they do. I'm in a bad place, and it only seems to keep getting worse. I'm starting to become afraid for myself.

I read a post written by a blogger who I've followed for a few months, because I thought she was hilarious. It turns out, she's been battling depression and anxiety for a long time, too, and she's just now starting to come out of a bad hole. Reading her description of what the fight is like hit home, because I know what she means and I know what the fight is like. The trouble is, I'm not sure I can see my way out of this hole.

One of the worst parts about this is that I don't feel like I can talk about it. Who's going to give a damn about the problems someone like me might have? I have a roof over my head, food to eat, a husband who loves me, and work I enjoy. So what if I constantly wonder if everyone around me would be better off if I weren't around? So what if I've written the notes in my head, or done the math to figure out exactly how much of what kind of pill to take? It's not like my like if hard by any stretch of the imagination. I have it easy, and I always have. I have no right to be upset, or sad, or depressed. I should just get over it, once and for all, and either never talk about it again or just do it and be done with it. All I'm doing is dragging everyone else around me down with talk like this.

All that? That's my family you just read. I'm still not convinced my mother believes depression is an actual medical disorder - I'm pretty sure she thinks I'm just faking it for attention, and so was relieved when I stopped talking about it in college. Of course, in college was when things started really going to hell, but hey, at least I wasn't telling her how sad I was, right? That's not entirely fair to Mom. She knew something was wrong, she just didn't know how to fix it, and I think that has to be one of the scariest parts about being a parent - not being able to fix everything.

Being a parent - there's another thing. Eric and I have talked about having a kid for going on two years now. We haven't, yet, obviously, nor are we any closer than we were two years ago, and the idea fills me with both anticipation and mortal dread. If I can't keep myself in working order, how in the hell am I going to bring someone else into the world and be the one (or one of the ones, rather) to teach them how to keep themselves going? I would be the absolute worst person in the world to bring someone else up.

For any of you reading this whose first reaction is to call me and try to talk to me about all of this - don't. I still can't talk all of this out yet, and even knowing that you've read this, I will still probably tell you that everything's fine, and that I was just being melodramatic. And, hell, I probably am. I've always been oversensitive and over-dramatic - anyone who's known me for more than about a year could tell you that. I'm not going to do anything tonight. I promise - I'm not going to do anything tonight. Or tomorrow night. Or any time in the near future, to be honest - just because I've thought about it, doesn't mean I'm going to do it. I'm just...I'm starting to get worried that I'm thinking about it at all.

I will be here tomorrow. I promise.

(In an effort to convince myself that I might actually have something worth saying, I'm going to be trying to post more often. Fair warning!)

I just moved into a new cube, from the team room we were in before. (For non-cube-farmers, "team room" means a big room with several people, so usually a little more space but less privacy. We had screens up to give us at least a little bit of privacy, but not much.) I'd been there for over a year, so it's actually taking a little bit of getting used to to be in a cubicle again. But, hey, walls! It's the little things. :)

They've been doing an office bake-off the last few weeks. While my Chocolate Elvis Bread (chocolate peanut butter banana bread) went over well with my husband and a few other folks, I sadly did not win my department. Today is the big all-legal bake-off, and I stopped by to offer my support to a friend who was elected to be a judge - such a hard life, really. There are some really good chocolate chip cookies in the world, and several of them are in my office. And a few are on my desk, but not for too long, I don't imagine.

Overall, I'm one of the lucky ones - I have a job that I enjoy, and I'm working with people that I get along with. And, of course, I'm working at all, which is huge. All in all, it's not too shabby in this corner (cubicle) of the world. How's your corner treating you?

I'm trying to get better about actually appearing on any kind of social networking, but it's been hard. I find myself repeating the same thing over and over again, almost like a mantra: Keep your head down, keep your mouth shut, no one wants to hear what you have to say. I'm actually fighting the impulse to cancel out of this post page and stop writing, but I know I need to try to push through that and remember what it was like to write for other people.

cleolinda wrote a very accurate portrait of depression here - this entry started because I wanted to comment on the post, but couldn't convince myself that someone with as huge a following as Cleo would actually want my comments on there. I know, I know - it's a problem. It's the main problem, actually. I've been fighting with depression for years now, and the cycle usually means that it gets really bad about every 4-5 years or so. The first was during high school, the second during college. It hasn't gotten to that horrible nadir of depression again, but I'm finding it to be a more constant, low-level badness - like the sound of a fan in the background, always there.

I'm not sure what I hoped to accomplish here, but I guess I'm going to try to put myself out there a little bit more. I feel a little bit like I've collapsed in on myself, and I'm loath to even really talk to anyone, because I know I'm likely to just babble about things no one but me cares about. Fair warning - apparently I'm only really capable of complete radio silence or irrelevant babbling.

Hope everyone's Thanksgiving went well. Now it's time to get ready for Christmas, woo? :)

10 years ago today, I was in London, having my first full day of classes at the British American Drama Academy. I barely knew anyone, having only arrived the Friday before, and was still trying to get used to the fact that I was so far from home on my own.

That afternoon, I had a couple of hours between my last class and my first solo tutoring session, and so I went wandering around the neighborhood. I ran into a couple of the girls from my class, who asked me if I'd heard what had happened. They told me a plane had hit the World Trade Center, and I remember thinking that it was probably just a little twin-prop plane that got off course, and while it was sad, it wasn't that big of a deal. I ducked into a nearby web cafe to find some news, and got a site that was streaming their on-air coverage live.

Which is how I saw the second plane hit.

I remember logging on to AIM to see if anyone was online, knowing that it was unlikely because of the time difference. I caught one person who was in the middle of an all-nighter, and frantically asked him if he knew anything else about what had happened. He didn't know what I was talking about - he hadn't seen anything yet.

I watched for a few more minutes, and as soon as I saw that the Pentagon had been hit, I panicked. My brother's out there, I thought. Rich could be in the middle of all of that. I didn't have a cell phone, so I ran out to a payphone and tried to get through to him, with no luck. I couldn't get through to the States for most of the day, actually - the international phone system was all screwed up for awhile.

I managed to get myself back to the school, and saw that everyone else was gathering there, too - even the people whose classes were done for the day. So many of the students were from New York, or went to school there, and none of us could get in touch with our families.

A lot of that day is a blur. I know that I walked back to the apartments with a couple of other students, and we stopped at a small shop so one of the guys could pick up an alarm clock. As soon as we walked in, the people immediately stopped talking and moved aside so we could see the TV showing the news. The people at the newsstand did the same thing, letting us look at the evening edition and seeing exactly what had happened.

...you know what? 10 years ago, I was terrified and alone, not knowing what was happening or what was going to happen. Today, I spent with my husband, cleaning the living room and preparing for a visit from a dear friend. I need to remember that I'm not alone anymore, and while I may not know what's going to happen any more than I did then, I'm not filled with the same nameless terror I was then.

Screw you, terrorists. I'm making cookies.

I'm realizing that I'm not really doing well. Again. I've realized that I haven't really posted anywhere (here, Twitter, etc.) much lately because almost every time I got to post, I remember that a) nobody cares and b) not many people are actually reading what I write, anyway. I've been tempted to shut down all of my accounts and just take myself offline completely.

So, y'know, that's the kind of head space I'm in right now.
( Cut for my benefit, mostly )

I don't know what I'm doing, or where I'm going anymore, and frankly, I'm not sure I care anymore.

Just heard from my mom on the Great Kitten Saga. It looks like she was able to catch three of the four kittens, and someone at her office is willing to take them to the shelter for Mom. However, Mom left them at the vet's office next to her office while her coworker was in a meeting, and the vets said that they'll try to adopt the kittens out from there, rather than the shelter. Now all Mom has to do is get the other kitten and the Mama-cat, and bring them in. The only concern now is that it's possible the kitty-daddy was one of Mom's old cats, who had FIV. The vets said they would test everybody to see if they're OK, and go from there.

In other news, I'm heading to PAX for the first time this weekend. I'll be running a couple of tournaments on Friday and Saturday, so if you're going to be in the area, stop on by. GenCon was a blast, as per usual. Work is going well - I can't believe I'm coming up on my second anniversary already.

Speaking of work, I'd better get back to it. Hope the, like, 5 of you still reading this are doing well, too.

(x-posted to kittypix)

My mother feeds some of the local cats by her house, and one of them recently had a litter of four kittens. She said that the kittens look to be about 3-4 weeks old, and the mother is still around. It looks like they've been living under my mom's house (there's a pretty sizable crawl space there), and Mom's concerned that they may be in danger from the local raccoons and possums, or the cars that drive by the front of her house. Mom's called the local shelters, which are saying that they're full, since it's kitten season.

My question is, do you know if there's anyone who fosters kittens in the Tigard, OR area? Or any other help you could give would be greatly appreciated. While my mom's taken care of cats for a long time, she's never had such young kittens before. She said that they run away from her, so she doesn't know if she would be able to trap them and bring them inside. She also said that the mother cat appears to be taking care of the kittens with no problem, but she's worried about when the kittens will be roaming on their own.

Any help you could give would be greatly appreciated. And to make it legal, here's one of Mom's other cats, Ziggy, in his favorite spot in the house.

Updating to include a few pictures of the Mama Cat under the cut!
( Mama Cat )

So, I just finished re-reading Mira Grant's Feed, in anticipation of reading the next book, Deadline. While I have a deep and abiding love for her work (some of the best world-building I've ever read), I always come away feeling...down. Last night, I thought about it a little more, and here's the ramblings I came up with.

I read a great deal of spec fic. Fantasy in particular, but some sci fi, and some horror (less blood and guts, more psychological thriller). And in those books, people die all the time. It's just a fact of the genres - in order to make it clear to the readers that this is a dangerous world, somebody's got to bite it, even if it's just a red shirt or three. Of course, it means more if we've had a chance to get to know the characters more, but in the end, there's a pretty high body count in spec fic. And in general, while I'm not hugely thrilled about it, I can deal. I may shed a tear or two (looking at you, Deathly Hollows), but I can usually get by and be my normal self after reading it.

Zombies, however...zombies are different. I generally enjoy reading zombie books (which I realized when I read World War Z), but they always leave me feeling drained and vaguely depressed. I still keep coming back, but they're the kinds of books where I think about a pivotal moment or death, and I start to cry again. I realized that a big part of this is how the characters in zombie books tend to die. In other forms of fiction, characters are killed by demons, evil wizards, ravaged by werewolves, whatever. Basically, attack, dead, everybody mourns. Zombies, though, tend to be different - unless the character is swarmed and completely devoured, they die and turn into the thing that killed them, and then have to be killed again by someone else. I think that's what gets me - zombie victims don't just die, they get put down, usually by someone who knew them well/are close to them in the plot of the book (if it's the big, pivotal death, at any rate). Their deaths are premeditated, and are kill or be killed situations, and because things change so quickly between living character and zombie, it's hard to make the transition in my head.

Thus, the zombie ramblings of the day. I think I need to take a break before I read Deadline, and I'll probably hit some Pratchett to do so - he's very good for getting me out of a funk. What about you guys? What do you read to get out of a funk?

Lately, I seem to have hit the angst lottery. Losing the Baron-cat was really hard, especially when I went to visit my mom the weekend after it happened. I hadn't been to see her so close to losing one of the cats before (she's lost two others in the past couple of years, the other being the Milky-cat and my favorite cat ever, not even excluding Ramses), and we both had to deal with the momentary forgetting, and then remembering again - she almost went to the pet store to get his favorite food, before she remembered. Cue waterworks from both of us.

He was also the last of the "family" cats - he's the last one who knew my dad. Honestly, my dad was probably his favorite person, because Dad would sit still and let him curl up on his lap while he read for hours, and Dad didn't have anything to do with taking Baron to the vet, so clearly Dad was Good People. While Mom still has cats, they're "her" cats, not "family" cats, and it's hard. Yes, it's been almost 13 years since Dad died, but it's still hard to lose the last bits that we had of him. It's like a new loss every time, and it just tears at the wound a bit more.

On top of that, the depression keeps coming in waves, and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. There's other stuff, too, but I don't know how much I want to "talk" about it in "public", as it were. Suffice to say that I'm not the best person to be around right now, and that's annoying no one so much as it is me.

Ah, LiveJournal - the best place in the world to rant and whine. You'll never truly be replaced by Twitter, et al.

I'll have a longer post later, but just wanted to give the, like, four people who read this a head's up - I'm probably not fit company for anyone right now. The Baron-cat (in the icon) had to be put to sleep last night, and I'm on the down wave of another bout of depression (woo). So if I look like I just want nothing to do with people right now, it's nothing personal - I feel that way about everyone right now.

Going to Mom's tomorrow, which is going to be much-needed and really freakin' hard.

So, last week I saw a coworker post on our internal for-sale list that she had two tickets to tonight's performance of "A Midsummer Night's Dream" for sale. The price seemed reasonable, and Eric and I try to go to at least one theater performance each year, so we thought we'd make this year's a ballet.

Now, I'll be honest - I've been to exactly one ballet in my life, and it was "The Legend of Sleepy Hollow" and I was about 9. All I really remember was that in the forest, there were many stage ninja holding these DayGlo blinking eyes, and they creeped me the hell out. Needless to say, I know next to nothing about ballet. Eric has been to several ballets (insert shocked looks here), but it had been several years.

I mentioned to one of my coworkers that we were going to the ballet, and he looked utterly confused and said that he didn't think we were ballet people - he couldn't reconcile "gamer" and "ballet", apparently. Telling someone else about this at work got them very angry on my behalf, because the first coworker was trying to pigeonhole me. Personally, I thought it was kinda funny, but that's me.

As for the ballet itself...I felt like I had gone to a play done in a language I don't know very well. I know that I missed things, because ballet strikes me as fairly...I don't want to say formulaic, because of the connotation that has, but ritualistic. And I don't know the rituals. I've been going to the theater since I was a kid, both straight plays and musicals, and this was the most confused I've ever felt leaving the theater. It was beautiful, and the music was glorious, but I was left with a desire to see a stage or film version of the play, because at least then I would be back in my element.

Maybe my first coworker was right after all - maybe I'm not ballet people.

Another holiday season passed. We spent the weekend before Christmas with my mom, which went well as always. Actual Christmas was with Eric's folks this year, with minimal drama, though I believe Eric's mom is getting to be more comfortable with me, because she's starting to be a bit more...blatant in her comments about my weight.

Ooo! I do have to add that Eric's folks (well, most likely, Eric's dad) got me a FANTASTIC Christmas present:
( It's so PRETTY! )

I am most happy with it. :)

New Year's went well, other than the fact that I woke up yesterday morning and my voice wasn't all there. I'd been fighting a cold for the couple of weeks, and it had taken a turn for the ugly. I felt better as the day went on, so Eric and I did our traditional dinner at Black Angus and game all night at Brian's. We were fortunate, this year, in that we were both off from work, so we could go to dinner earlier than usual and avoid the madhouse rush that's usually there every year. Gaming was awesome, as per usual - I finally got to play Battlestar Galactica, and I enjoyed it, even if we lost. Around 1am, though, I headed home to crash, and Eric made it home around 6am - par for the course for us.

This morning, though, I woke up with NO voice. None. The voice, it was gone. Fortunately, the walk-in clinic was open, so I was able to get in and get confirmation - sinus infection. Joy! The pharmacy isn't open until tomorrow, but I'll be starting the meds then. My voice is slowly coming back, mostly because I'm not really using it. So long as I don't sound so bad on Monday, it'll be fine - I can't really take the time off from work right now.

Speaking of work - WE HAVE A NEW EA!! *happydance* She started on Thursday (mostly to get her computer and fill out paperwork, that sort of thing - her first "real" day is Monday), and she's awesome, and yay! With luck, I'll be able to focus on the role I've been in since May for the first time since I've been in that role. I know there's going to be some transitioning, and all that, but I stand a chance of moving forward. It's a great way to start the year.

I also spent some time today putting things in order regarding the finances - basically, just making a spreadsheet of what's owed when, how much, etc. It's something that I've been meaning to do for awhile, and I feel better having everything down on e-paper. It actually looks better than I thought, which is nice. There are things that I'm hoping to do this year, and it's looking like I'm off to a decent start. Y'know, other than the health thing.

Hope everybody's holidays went well, and here's to 2011.

The problem with having a job that I adore and that is very demanding is that it doesn't leave a whole lot for anything else. I've found myself slipping into a bit of depression lately, just because I don't have the time or energy to do very much. NaNo this year pretty well fell apart in the few couple of weeks, and having the writers' group basically fall apart didn't help.

I was asked an interesting question by my manager yesterday - on a scale of 1 to 10, how would I rank my job? I had to divide it into two parts - there's the part where I'm an acting executive assistant supporting our team's VP and one other attorney who is incredibly demanding. That part, I rate about a 4 (well, I told my manager it was about a 4, but it's probably closer to a 2, with 1 being "Why God why?"). The other part of my job, where I get to research and learn and be an authority for my business team? 9, easily. This got a couple of skeptical looks, but I really do enjoy what I get to do, even when it's hard.

Work is going to be crazy for the next week, as we're having a HUGE team meeting next week (and who's got two thumbs and has had to organize all of this?), but the light is shining at the end of the tunnel - a new executive assistant starts after the first of the year. She's awesome, and I'm very much looking forward to being able to focus on one job for the first time since I've started here.

I'm sorry if I haven't been as social as usual lately, is what I'm trying to say. Hopefully after the holidays things will slow down, and I'll have a chance to do some of the things I've been wanting to do for awhile - there are projects to make, writing to do, and just a ton of things I want to do. It's going to happen, eventually - it's just a matter of when.

So the last couple of weeks have been a bit insane. The first weekend of May, gamethyme, deleva, and Stultz went down to Portland for a long weekend. It was made of awesome and Powell's, Voodoo Doughnuts and Saturday Market. I really miss Portland sometimes...

The following week, I worked my tail off to get my stuff together, because I was going to be flying out on Wednesday night to go to nire's graduation (she got her master's degree) in San Antonio. So, cramming as many hours as I could in three days to get as much off my desk as I could, I was a bit exhausted. But since our last re-org when we got our new assistant, I've come to terms with what my world consists of, and I have plenty of plans for how I'm going to make things work. I finished what I could, sent off what needed to be dealt with while I was gone, and flew out late Wednesday night.

nire's graduation Thursday, touring around San Antonio on Friday, driving to New Orleans Friday and Saturday, and then walking, shopping, and eating my way through NOLA for another few days. Much fun, much much walking, and a whole lot of sun and heat. That part wasn't so great, but the rest was awesome. :)

I flew back home on Tuesday, and geared up for Wednesday back at work. Lots of stuff awaits me, I'm sure, but it'll be nice to be able to get back to work and setting a normal pace. I'm chatting with another legal assistant (in a completely different team, incidentally), when he casually drops, "So, I hear you're going to be picking up some more responsibility soon."

...Eh?

( A bit of background )

So, per the rumor mill, because of the open spot on my team and the fact that they really needed the help, I was to take on some of the work to help out until they could get a new paralegal in. Well, that makes sense, and I have no problem helping out, though I would hope that I could rearrange my workload a bit to make sure I had time for that - my current workload is pretty heavy, as I've previously ranted.

I'm scheduled for a meeting with my manager to catch up on what I've missed the last few days. Two seconds after I sit down, another manager comes in.

Turns out, I'm not going to be "helping out" that other team - I'm JOINING that other team. They're putting me in there officially as a legal assistant, but the majority of my work will be paralegal-level work. Basically, they've decided that I've proven myself, and rather than waiting until I've been there a year to move me, they're taking the opportunity to get me in a position to be promoted. Oh, and I start on Monday.

It's super-exciting, and completely unexpected, and really really stressful. I'll be able to help transition the temp taking over my desk for a little bit, but every single thing that I do now, and that I'd been planning to do for some time, is going to someone else. So, if I don't really show up much for a bit, don't be surprised.

The Frog is dead, long live the Frog. We got to the dealership yesterday almost as soon as they opened (because deleva is made of awesome and picked us up and took us down there. The engine was completely seized, and it wouldn't have been worth fixing (not to mention it would have taken longer than we can stand to be without a car to fix). So, to the sales floor!

Long story short, I just bought a car for the very first time (as my credit is a bit better than Eric's, we did the purchase in my name, rather than his or ours). We now own a midnight blue (with sparkles!) 2007 Saturn Vue, currently dubbed the Beast. It has enough space that we got all the games that had been in the backseat and trunk of Froggy into just the trunk area, and still have the backseat clear. The plan is to keep it that way - I'm under orders from Eric to give him hell about it, and believe me, that's the plan (no matter how much Stultz claims that things will expand "like foam").

I think the Beast will serve us well, and it doesn't feel nearly as big as I expected it would. It has some amenities that we hadn't expected (heated seats, which are perfect for Eric's back, and air conditioning), and we'll be able to put the nice stereo from Froggy in without issue. Eric's working to see who he knows from work that can help with the installation.

All in all, the important thing is that we're back on the road, and we shouldn't have much trouble with the car payments. I can only thank heavens that this happened AFTER I got established in the new job, because we wouldn't have been able to do this if I was still temping. No way.

Feeling like more of a successful adult, now. Scaaaaaary.

Happy birthday, brigidsdaughter and queenanthai!

So, I've been watching Food Network's "Worst Cooks in America," and I'm noticing something that sort of...bothers me. Many of the contestants are women - I think there are only two men left at this point - and several of them are wives and mothers. For those who don't know, the premise of the show is that two professional chefs take a group of people who are the worst cooks they could find (meaning, the worst cooks that auditioned for the show and fit the producer's vision of a reality-competition show contestant), and teach them how to cook. The two chefs have divided the cooks into teams, each chef leading a team, and in the end one cook from each team will be left. Those cooks will prepare a meal for a panel of restaurant critics, and the goal is to fool the critics into believing that the chefs made the food, not the cooks.

I really like the idea behind the show, and obviously the people on the show both acknowledge that they don't know how to cook and are willing and eager to learn. However, when the contestants do their little confessional type things, I'm noticing a theme when they discuss why they want to learn to cook. A lot of them will talk about how they feel like they're letting their families down or are a disappointment, or a bad wife or mother, because they can't cook. It makes me wonder - is being a good cook, or even just an able cook, a prerequisite for marriage and motherhood?

Now, I can feed myself. I can feed my husband, and he can feed me. We do best when we cook together, and I enjoy cooking for and with him. However, I don't know that I would feel like a failure if I couldn't or wouldn't cook. I guess I never really thought of it as something I'm "supposed" to do, because it's something we both enjoy doing. It almost feels like it hearkens back to the "Leave it to Beaver" era, where Mom has dinner on the table the second Dad and the kids come home from school, and woe becomes the woman who is unprepared for a dinner guest!

It bothers me. At the same time, I freely admit that I have my moments of June Cleaver Failure(tm), particularly with regards to housekeeping, so maybe I'm not one to talk. What about you? Do you think it's a woman's duty or responsibility to keep the family fed? Do you think any less of a mother who doesn't cook for her kids?

So, work got a little hectic, but it looks like things are settling down a little bit. As many of you know, Eric and I end up celebrating Christmas 3 times every year - once with my mother, once with his family, and once with just the two of us. This year, "real" Christmas is with Ma, so we'll be taking the train down to Portland on Thursday night and staying the weekend. I'm looking forward to it a lot - I've really enjoyed taking the train down to Portland since I started doing that (when I started temping at Amazon), and I'm looking forward to sharing that with Eric.

We did Christmas with Eric's family yesterday at his brother Jared's new house - it's absolutely BEAUTIFUL and freakin' huge. I covet their kitchen so much - it's huge, and there are two ovens and two sinks, and so many counters and cabinets and zomg want. Their kids were both a little under the weather with colds, but they did really well with all the strange people in the house. We ended up playing a few games - Cloud Nine, which we gave Jared a few years back after we played it at Thanksgiving, and Snorta (another gift from us), which was WAY more fun than I expected it to be. I had a lot more fun in general than I had expected, considering there was some drama leading up to the big day.

Eric and I did our personal Christmas last weekend, and went out for both lunch and dinner (which is not common for us). Lunch was the important one, though, because the Original Roadhouse Grill by our house was having a fundraiser for the families of the Lakewood police officers who were killed last month. The Everett Police were out in force, taking donations and thanking everyone who came in. The food was great, and it was nice to think it was doing something useful.

So far, Giftmas has been quite successful. I gave Eric a copy of Amber Diceless, which, it turns out, was something that he REALLY REALLY wanted and had been looking for for, well, ever. I just grabbed something off his wishlist that I vaguely remembered him mentioning before, so, well, go team me! I also gave him a bacon cookbook, which went over about as well as anything involving bacon does for Eric (hint: he loves him the bacon). We also did well for the family, especially the little ones, as we got them a copy of The Polar Express book, and Ethan loves the movie very much. He can go through the book and tell the story, and seemed very happy to have it.

As for me, Eric's parents gave me (well, us) two new 7' bookcases from Ikea (!!!), which need to be transported to our house (and two dead bookcases need to be transported to the dump). Eric also won big-time by getting me the Big Damn Heroes sourcebook for the Serenity RPG, a Mutts compilation, and, the best, a laptop desk. The main problem with using my laptop on the couch (where I usually use it) is that Ramses really likes to curl up in my lap, and there just isn't room for both him and my computer. With the desk, there's plenty of room for the kitty, and I've actually noticed that my back doesn't bother me so much. It's been kitty-tested and kitty-approved thus far, which means that it works well. He did really well.

Really, it's been a good weekend. Today's been mellow, with Gahan coming over for a little bit this afternoon, and a frew necessities taken care of. It's like the calm before the storm of Christmas and New Year's. I hope everyone else is doing well, too - I know my presence online has been pretty sparse lately, but I'm hoping to work on that.

So, you know how a lot of people collect souvenirs when they travel? Spoons, or shot glasses, or the like? Well, in my family, we (and when I saw "we," I mean "my mother") collect magnets. It's a rule with my brother and me that when we go somewhere, we bring a magnet back for Mom. Needless to say, I grew up with a fridge full of magnets.

When I moved in with gamethyme, he had all of about four magnets on his fridge. This, I felt, was unacceptable. Over the years, I have slowly snagged a few of my favorite magnets from home, and we've started collecting more magnets from friends and such. And, of course, with magnets come things to put on the fridge - pictures, cards, that sort of thing.

This picture isn't just a note on how obsessive my husband can be (I mean, he did just spend twenty minutes annotating a photo of our fridge, after all), but it's a snapshot of the life we've built together. Lives aren't all about the big things, the ceremonies, the births - they're letters from friends and magnets made from favorite board games, photo cards of family and things that lead to five-minute stories.

It's the little things, you know?

I did it I did it I DID IT HOLY CRAP LIONS I DID IT! See icon.

I had to remove all contractions from the story, actually write out all dates (October twenty-sixth, two thousand and five), and add about three epilogues (including a "ten years later"), but BY GOD I DID IT!

Imma crash now. G'night!

Thank you all for your thoughts and good wishes. I just heard back from my mother - apparently, Baron's blood tests (they did the full senior cat blood tests) came back normal, and the vet thinks that it's just his teeth that were bothering him, and that's why he wasn't eating and why he was clicking his teeth. They seem to be doing better now, and Mom gave him some baby food that he ate right up. He seems to be back to his normal self a bit.

Mom's going to be watching for the next few days to try and decide if it's worth the risk to put him under and get his teeth cleaned or possibly pulled. He has been pretty shaky lately, and I think she's just worried that he isn't strong enough to handle being under right now. Either way, she's going to keep an eye out, but she's just relieve it isn't something major.

More Baron pictures!

( Baron-cat )

I just got an email from my mom about her cat Baron (he's in the icon). He's getting older, about 12 now, and he's not been doing so well since Milky (they may as well have been brothers - Baron lived with him his whole life) died a couple of months ago. This is what she said was happening:

( email from my mom )

Has anybody heard of anything like this before? Baron's always been kind of a sickly cat - he has a very sensitive stomach, and can only eat certain kinds of foods or else he'll throw up all over the place. The last time he had a physical (or "mature cat checkup", I think the vet called it), everything came back just fine. Any info you guys may have, or even just some good thoughts, would be greatly appreciated.

So far, I'm in pretty decent shape. Admittedly, it's only day 4, but we'll see.

I was rather amused to discover, upon discussing the plot with Eric, that I'm writing a horror novel. That was...unexpected. Of course, so was having one of my two main characters turn sinister on me. She was supposed to be a hippy! The hell, man.

If any of y'all are interested, I'm posting what I've got on my writing LJ setauuta_muse - just friend me, I'll get you back, and you can see the crap that's there. I'm also (surprise!) setauuta on NaNoWriMo.org if you want a friend there.

Hey, Seattle Dining folks! There's a poll over here - you should take it, and you should come! We're meeting in Seattle this time.

If you have no idea what I'm talking about, ask! I will tell you! I have way too many exclamation points today!

It's been awhile, I know. Let's see...since I last posted, I started the new job and started getting settled in. I've received my first few paychecks (WOO!), and dealt with an H1N1 outbreak in the office. Eric and I have started trying to work out more regularly, and I've lost a net total of about 3 pounds - he's lost around 8. We've had a couple more Seattle Dining outings, and I've not yet uploaded the pictures or written up the post-mortems. I've been reading LJ, but not really felt the need to post - as you can see, my life is less than exciting.

So...yeah. That's me. It's after midnight on the 1st, so I'll be starting the grand craziness of NaNo, again. I never claimed to be all that smart. (Well, maybe I have, but clearly I was wrong.)

So, right now I'm in a holding pattern with the job thing. I have to wait for a background check to clear before I can get started, which means I've been at home all week. Last weekend, Eric and I went on a big grocery run so I could have something to eat and something to do while at home. You see, when I'm home all day, I get bored and watch a lot of Food Network. This, naturally, makes me hungry. So far this week, I've made chocolate chip cookies, olive oil and garlic steak, roasted garlic mashed potatoes, and way too many cracker pizzas (Ritz crackers + pepperoni + tomato sauce + cheddar, in the oven for about 10 minutes = Stephie comfort food). Eric got in on the act last night, as he was home sick and got bored and hungry as well, and made steak, eggs, and bacon. (Incidentally, the reason steak keeps coming up is because we found a really good deal on some sirloin last weekend - it's not normally on regular rotation at our house.)

Tonight, well, the rest of the steak had been thawed, and I was bored and hungry again. I ended up making a chile colorado (sort of) with Spanish rice and tortillas. I'm not one to toot my own horn, but damn, did this turn out well! Considering the meat was basically me going "hey, that sounds good, let's throw that in!", this is the closest I can come to a recipe:

2 sirloin steaks, cubed
tomato sauce
chili powder
ancho chili powder
garlic salt
ground cumin
adobo paste
water

In a large saucepan, brown the steak in oil (I used garlic olive oil, because, well, we love us some garlic in this house). Once the steak is browned, add the tomato sauce and spices (I used about 2 tsp of the adobo paste, because I wasn't sure how strong it would be, but next time I would use more), and add enough water to cover the meat by about an inch. Simmer until the sauce is reduced by about half. Ta-da!

The meat was really tender, probably because it was simmering for so long, and the sauce turned out nicely. I would probably add some fresh garlic in the pot when browning the meat, but that's about it. The timing worked pretty well, too - after I got the meat simmering, I started the rice. After I got the rice simmering, I started the tortillas, and by the time I finished the tortillas, the rice and meat were done. It was a very tasty dinner, and I'm sure it'll reheat well for Eric's lunch tomorrow. He's currently at Katie and John's, dropping off roughly a third of the the board game collection for the PAX open gaming library. He's also managed to wrangle a three-day pass, as an exhibitor for a local game store (basically, he'll be in the board game area teaching folks to play whatever's available - otherwise known as Eric heaven). It's going to be weird, having the weekend alone, too, but I'm really enjoying the whole "time to myself" thing. Plus, I'll have the car this weekend, which means I can go out and about a bit if I so desire. We shall see.

And now, I clean up, and then back to sewing - I've gotten pretty far with seanb and trilliumgrl's wedding sampler, and then I need to finish up the birth announcement for Eric's brother's second kid. Hopefully, when I call the recruiter tomorrow, I'll be able to get a more definite answer on when I'm starting. As much as I'm enjoying the time off, I really want to get back to work.

So, yesterday, I was told around 4pm that the general counsel for Amazon (M) was finally back from the East coast, and I was scheduled to meet with her at 3:30 today. 'Bout freakin' time, I thought. Today was the last day of my contract, so it seemed only fitting.

At 2 o'clock, my coworkers took me to a tea shop (Seattle Best Tea), where we had an hour long tea tasting and lesson on Taiwanese teas. It was made of awesome - I didn't think my coworkers would care too much about tea (but dammit, it was my going away party!), but they seemed really interested, and several of them ended up buying tea by the time we left. At 3, I took off for the shuttle to my interview, partly so I could be sure to be on time, and partly so I could hit the ladies room first (hey, YOU drink tea for an hour and then hold it). I ended up being about twenty minutes early.

Finally, 3:30 comes around and M comes in and we start the whole interview thing. It felt very informal, just asking me about why I wanted to be in the legal department, how is my attention to detail, have I ever dealt with confidentiality issues, that sort of thing. 15 minutes later, it's over and I'm heading back to my office. She told me that I would hear from the hiring manager (A) "shortly" - I was less than confident that her definition of "shortly" would match mine.

When I got back, I kept working on some projects I'd been sitting on, and emailed A to let him know I'd met with M, she said I'd hear from him, here's my home email and phone number (since, y'know, I'd be gone in a couple of hours). An hour later, I got the call - I GOT THE JOB. I'll be getting my official offer on Monday, and I have to wait for a background check, so it'll be a week to a week and a half before I get to start, but I think I can deal. I don't mind taking a break from work, so long as I have a job to come to at the end. I get to be a REAL employee with, like, BENEFITS and crap.

So, that was my Friday. How are you?

I haven't exactly been present online lately. To be honest, I don't think I've really been all that present in person, either. I'm not doing so great. There's a lot of work stuff going on, most importantly that my contract ends on Friday and I don't have anything lined up. I'm in a hiring loop for a position in the legal department at Amazon, but there's been some hold ups regarding scheduling one final interview (with the general counsel for Amazon - they don't fool around in legal), so no decision can be made. For reference, I applied for this position back in May. Yes, I've contacted my temp agency, and I hope they'll have something for me soon, but I'm not sure. That's the worst part - I'm not sure what's going on.

The impending lack of job is leading to all sorts of panic regarding money and what am I doing with my life, a bunch of boring existential ranting that I won't trouble you with here. Suffice to say that I haven't been sleeping well. I'm almost looking forward to being unemployed, as it'll give me a chance to get caught up on my sleep - well, and then some, because my depression tends to go the "sleep all day, don't eat" route.

Every time I go to rant here about work stuff (training my successor, applying for a permanent position in my team and not only not getting it, but having the other temp who applied for it have a position created for him), it sounds so damned whiny. And yes, I'm well aware that 9/10th of all LJ content is whiny and/or ranty, but it's the principle of the thing.

So, yeah. I'm here, but not fully. I don't particularly want to spend time with people, either online or off. Hopefully I won't miss anything important.

As many of you know, Milky, my very first kitty ever, has been very ill for the last few months. He's been going downhill pretty quickly, and when I talked to my mother (he lives with her now) earlier today, she said that he was only getting worse. She wanted to know if I wanted to come down to see him again, and I decided that I did.

Well, Eric got a phone call while we were at Game Night - as soon as he said that it was Mom, I knew. I'm still not entirely sure what happened - she was crying really hard when she told me, so I *think* she said that she got home from work and he was worse, seizing, maybe?, and she took him to the vet and he was gone. I think. Right now, I'm not going to ask her. All I know is that he's gone.

( The story of the Milky-cat )

His last few months were rough, and in a way, I'm glad he went the way he did - it means that my mother was spared the pain of making that decision, which I know she would second-guess forever. Still, this is going to be hard.

Made it back from NC late Sunday night (Eric made it back late Monday night). The wedding was made of awesome. For pictures, you can look here - it's the most recent stuff on Eric's photostream.

I had my in-person interview yesterday, and I think it went really well. I won't know anything for a few weeks, since it's a position for a new legal assistant for a new attorney, and they want to hire the new lawyer and assistant around the same time. We'll see what happens.

So. Tired. Back to work - while I was gone, my inbox exploded. :)

So, the phone interview I had went well (as seen in my previous post), and in theory I should be getting an in-person interview "soon". Considering it's been taking the recruiters quite some time to get back to me in the first place, I'll believe it when I see it.

In the meantime, I'm at work right now and have been since quarter after 7, and will be until...well, too dang late, really. I'm trying to cram as many work hours as I can in before I leave on Wednesday for Angela's wedding (EEEE!), while still being able to, y'know, sleep occasionally and all that jazz.

FFS. I had to deal with computer issues yesterday (my keyboard and mouse came unplugged, and when I went to plug them back in, the part they plug into got pushed into the computer itself) - I managed to fix that, eventually, but discovered in the process just how badly tangled all the cords under my desk are. As I was typing this, I stretched out a foot, not even thinking I was near the cords, and unplugged my computer. In plugging it back in, out came the keyboard and mouse again. I managed to get it fixed, obviously, but the hell, man. Theoretically, Deskside should be coming to fix the actual port on my computer tomorrow, but in the meantime, I need to, I don't know, not move? I straightened things out as best I can for the moment, and also discovered that no one vacuums the offices at all (ewwwwwww) and am now sneezy and itchy (and grumpy and sleepy...) from the dust. Fan-freakin-tastic. Anywho, I'm going to bandage up my fingertip, restart everything, and hope I didn't lose too much work. It doesn't look like it, thankfully - my stuff auto-saves with rather alarming frequency.

ANYWAY. The point of this post was to let folks know that I won't really be around too much for the next week or so. I leave Wednesday at too damned early, and come back on Sunday at not horrifically late. So, have good week, try not get eated. :)

Phone interview went well - basically, a quick "wow, you filled this questionnaire out really well, and I've heard good things about you, let's get you straight to an in-person interview!" I should be getting that scheduling notice either today or Monday, and the recruiter said that it would probably be ON Monday, so I'm dressing up.

My co-workers aren't here! There's no one to squee with! Admittedly, I just got off the phone with my mother, so there was some over-the-phone squeeing there, and email squees from Eric and his mother, but but but EEEEEE!

See, one of the good things about the "hope for the best, expect the worst" philosophy is that when things DO go well, it comes as a big, happy-making surprise. :)

I'm on the couch, cats nearby, dancing on television.
No matter how many tears have fallen, more lurk, waiting.
My mother's tears still ring in my memory.
Only one thought runs through my mind:
I want to go home.

But I don't know where that is.

The Milky-cat appears to have the first signs of kidney failure, and possibly high blood pressure. He'll be going in for more tests on Saturday. It's a matter of maintenance, not treatment. I was doing all right until I asked my mother how she was doing, and she started to cry. Work was frustrating, and every day I don't have a permanent job lined up, I panic more. I start thinking that I made a huge mistake leaving my old job - sure, I hated it, but it paid the bills and meant I could take care of my family. I never should have left.

It's not a great time to be a Stephie right now.

Could y'all do me a favor and think healthy kitty thoughts for my kitty, Milky? He's my very first cat ever, and apparently he's not doing so well. He's about 12, almost 13 now, and he's lost quite a bit of weight and is "acting weird" according to my mother - meowing much louder and more constantly than normal, randomly hiding, things like that. He still seems to be eating (less, and eating more of Baron's wet food than his own crunchy stuff) and using the litter box just fine, but... We're taking him to the vet on Saturday to get the elderly cat check-up and blood work and all that.

Don't tell Ramses, but he's my favorite cat ever, and I'm not really ready to let him go yet.

( Pictures of the Milky-cat )

I'm realizing something about myself. The more I feel like people don't trust me, don't believe I know what I'm doing, or just feel the need to criticize everything I do, the less tolerant I am of errant dirt and clutter. I feel like I don't have a lot of control right now, but dammit, I can clean up the crap inside the microwave! I also become more interested in my cross-stitch and crochet. There are RULES, there's ORDER, it makes SENSE.

It should say something about how the day is going, then, when I spend 10 minutes cleaning out the inside of the work microwave and wiping down all the counters, and I have a burning desire to go home and work on the Egyptian Sampler I haven't touched in nearly two years. Yeah. It's been a great day.

Remember those mythical creatures stamps that I posted about awhile back? They're available now here, and yes, they ship to the US.

So, last night Eric and I kept hearing a cat crying outside. Every once in awhile we would hear what sounded like a cat's paw on a door, but we couldn't tell whose door was being pawed. (We live in an apartment complex, and our door and our neighbor's door are very close to each other.) We used to have a neighbor who would let his cats out during the day, and not always hear them when they wanted to come back in at night, so we thought that perhaps this was the case again. We couldn't bear to hear the kitty sound so upset, so we thought we'd try to find him or her and let the owner know to let the cat in (like we had with the old neighbor).

Imagine our surprise when we open our door and in streaked the cat! She was gray and silver, and my first thought was actually that it was a possum, not a cat. She came running in and immediately made it quite clear that she DID NOT like other cats. Feina hid, as she's a big wimp. Ramses, on the other hand, was merely curious, and kept trying to sniff out the interloper. She was having none of that, and started hissing and growling at him, which confused the heck out of him. He didn't so much hide as make a strategic retreat.

We realized that we couldn't really keep this cat in our apartment, but we weren't really sure what to do - it was about 10:30 at night, and I wasn't really all that keen on calling Animal Control or anything like that, since she was obviously someone's pet (long-haired cat, well groomed, but no collar - grr!). We tried some of the neighbors, but they said they didn't have a cat, and she wasn't theirs. We finally convinced her to leave the apartment and get down off our stoop, but it took some convincing.

This morning, we opened the door very cautiously and there she was again! We managed to keep her from coming back in, but she didn't look like she was planning to leave anytime soon. I feel so bad about making her stay outside like that, but we really can't take her in. I'm just hoping that she finds her way home soon.

The attendance poll is up! Just a reminder, the meeting point is at the Alderwood Mall in Lynnwood - specifically, at the fountain outside of Borders (between Borders and P.F. Changs).

Hope to see y'all there!

Hey, deleva!




From Neil Gaiman's blog, a set of stamps of Dave McKean's mythical creatures. Lookit the dragon!

Can y'all do me a favor? Give me some good news.

Pictures of adorable children, puppies, kittens, whatever. You remembered where you parked, your boss gave you a compliment, you've got a good lead on a job, something. Anything. You saw flowers blooming, the weather matches what you prefer (be that sunny, rainy, or something else entirely), your lunch was good. I just...I need to remember that it hasn't all gone to crap. That while the bad may seem to outweigh the good right now, it will swing back around. Hell, even tell me I'm being melodramatic, stupid, and oversensitive about everything, especially since I'm one of the lucky ones right now. Just...help?

Why is it that the muses always come out when it's least convenient? This time, it was in the shower. Long story short, I'm going to do Script Frenzy this year, or at least, I'm going to try. Eric had been asking me for some flash fiction or drabbles for an RPG he's working on, and I realized how easy it would be to turn some of that into a stage play. I'll probably be writing a bit of flash fiction and such until April 1st, as I can't actually start working on the script until, and if all goes well, then I'll keep the flash up until November and NaNoWriMo. I'm realizing just how many possibilities there are in this world Eric's creating, and I want to play in it for awhile.

If any of y'all are interested in my (admittedly not great) scribblings, they can be found in setauuta_muse. I keep all of that locked, so let me know and I'll friend you so you can see.

Association Meme: Comment to this post and I will give you 5 subjects/things I associate you with. Then post this in your LJ and elaborate on the subjects given. (Associations from apestyle and princessgeek)

( From apestyle - Cats, knitting, panic attacks, Spanish, acting )

( From princessgeek - Hair, musicals, cats, Eric, Oregon )

Early last month, lifeflowson on cooking asked for some recipe testers for her cookbook. I jumped at the chance, and with her permission, put up a few pictures of the first meal - Olive Oil and Garlic Steak with Bacon Stuffing. Here's the finished plate:



More pictures on my blog here.