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All of the following is care of Erin - this is why she's such a good friend. :)


1. Cultivate a sense of smoldering resentment against a specific superhero or group of superheroes. Make it personal. Sleep with their spouses, children, parents...all of the above...
2. Brood. Spend lots of time away from other people thinking about how good it would feel to cursh your nemesis' bones in your bare hands. Meditate on this at odd hours: at family gatherings, while brushing your teeth, and in the elevator.
3. Have a traumatic and life-changing accident that affects your brain. Achieve enlightenment or total despair. For bonus points, achieve both.
4. Adopt a new mindset: Want, take, have: You are Right. Everyone else is wrong, including those pesky superheroes.
5. Make a plan. Also make a contingency plan and a backup plan. Include subclauses and complicated diagrams. Make sure everyone memorizes the plan so nothing can go wrong.
6. Carry out the plan. When the superheroes catch you, swear eternal vengeance upon them. Hyperbole is your friend. Be specific. Remember: Jails aren't that difficult to get out of, and there's always another day.
7. Always plead insanity at your trial - unless it will get you locked up in Arkham. You do not want to get within a thousand feet of the Joker, even if you were childhood sweethearts.
8. Escape from prison/asylum.
9. Implement the new plan, which is much better than the old plan and has more complicated diagrams and subclauses. Repeat steps 6-9 until you have reached boredom. Then try 10.
10. Develop a devoted (if slightly insane) following. Fake your own tragic death - make it really tragic - you die saving kittens from a burning building or saving a superhero's life. Ensure the media grabs your story and turns you into a misunderstood martyr. Get a new name and spend the next ten years founding a new Supervillian club devoted to fighting the public memory of yourself as a hero.



Eeny meeny miny moe...

a) catch the tiger, take a genetic sample and create a huge race of tiger-men to protect the rainforest
2(66.7%)
b) catch the tiger by the toe and put laser beams in its eyes
0(0.0%)
c) catch the tiger by the toe, let it go and realize that you're in a shopping mall and that you're talking to a baby in a stroller. Make a hurried escape down the sewers.
0(0.0%)
d) the tiger makes that silly growly noise! And it's so soft!
1(33.3%)
e) catch the tiger by the toe, give it to the CEO, make more money that you know what to do with
0(0.0%)

In my professional opinion, superheroes are...

a) misguided - they could do so much good if only they were more enlightened
0(0.0%)
b) good target practice for the minions
0(0.0%)
c) shiny, yet so crispy
1(33.3%)
d) bad. They never let me play with my alien laser blaster, and they took away all my mind-controlled slaves.
1(33.3%)
e) those meddling kids!
1(33.3%)

When I take over the world, I...

a) will be revered for my wisdom after I destroy everyone who's wrong
0(0.0%)
b) will destroy it. What? Wouldn't you?
0(0.0%)
c) huh? Oh, did you know that with enough glitter you can make the world into a giant snow globe?
3(100.0%)
d) will make the stupid superheroes give me back my alien blaster and my mind-controlled slaves
0(0.0%)
e) won't let anyone know
0(0.0%)

When I look in the mirror, I see...

a) truth, justice, and the American Way for the entire world
0(0.0%)
b) a giant burning eye
0(0.0%)
c) so that's why my twin never talks to me. I always thought it was still upset about the string cheese incident of '85.
1(33.3%)
d) badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom mushroom!
2(66.7%)
e) the future. Is my tie straight?
0(0.0%)

My closet consists of...

a) fashionably correct clothing for a politically correct world
1(33.3%)
b) shiny black, matte black, velvet black, leather black...red? Damn, forgot to wash out the bloodstains...
0(0.0%)
c) penguins and sometimes my fathers. Pass the salt, please.
0(0.0%)
d) my santa killing nerf gun, my transformers t-shirt, my favorite dungarees, and the bunny slippers of doom
2(66.7%)
e) I don't know. That's what a body servant is for. If necessary, I can set up an appointment with my fashion consultant.
0(0.0%)

My favorite weapon is...

a) they're not weapons! They're implements of righteousness!
1(33.3%)
b) the three D's: doom, destruction, and despair (and the special insultated gloves I use to handle them)
1(33.3%)
c) well, it's always fun to throw a midget
0(0.0%)
d) my pet slug, Slurpie. Alas, we will never conquer Salt Lake City. Bloody Mormons.
1(33.3%)
e) the three M's: money, mindfucks, and minions
0(0.0%)

My mother always says...

a) the kids at school are wrong about us. In righteous anger we shall overcome. Now, do you have their addresses?
1(33.3%)
b) why is there an angry mob outside? I told you not to leave any witnesses!
0(0.0%)
c) honey, how did you get out of the straightjacket? Actually, she only said that once. I thought you were asking about last words.
1(33.3%)
d) if I give you cookies and milk, will you let your father out of the basement? Please?
1(33.3%)
e) your mother's busy right now. Schedule an appointment with my secretary.
0(0.0%)

My fanclub t-shirts will say...

a) two wrongs don't make a right, but they're pretty damn close
0(0.0%)
b) "..." it's not really translatable from the language of the elder gods.
1(33.3%)
c) my whole familky was slaughtered and all I got was this bloody t-shirt
0(0.0%)
d) when I rule the world, everyone gets lollipops!
1(33.3%)
e) ...fanclub? How common.
1(33.3%)

My relationship with my archnemesis is...

a) we used to be best friends, but somewhere along the way he just became so lost. Someday, I hope to save him from himself.
0(0.0%)
b) he's my clone. No, I'm his clone. Or did we come from parallel alternate dimensions? Damn it, I can never remember...just kill him.
1(33.3%)
c) unbalanced, like me
0(0.0%)
d) kind of like a father figure gone horribly wrong
0(0.0%)
e) fraught with sexual tension
2(66.7%)



Results for the quiz in the next entry.

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