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I remember an English teacher I had who drove me absolutely insane by constantly asking about what I wrote "So what?" I know she was trying to get me to think about why I wrote what I did, and when I took it into account, it did make my writings better. Now, I realize that I need to take that into account with what I say, too. So many of my words are empty, meaningless, nothing. I mentioned to someone ealier tonight how I'd read a cat and her three kittens had been found in the rubble of the World Trade Center - his response of "That's nice", with the tone he used, was the kind of thing you say when a child tells you something and you really don't care about what they're talking about. I haven't grown up enough to realize that not everyone cares about what I care about. Thus, everything I talk about matters to me alone, and serves only to fill dead air and demonstrate my immaturity. The words I say don't actually mean anything. Makes me wonder if anything I do actually means anything. If I'll ever learn the fine art of shutting up.

After all that, you may very well ask why I still write, and why I still post it publically. Yet another sign of my immaturity - I still feel the need to tell people how I feel. Plus, this is a "safe" way of expressing myself without saying anything face to face. If nothing else, I've learned I need to vent somewhere.

There's also a bit of comfort knowing that no one has to read this - it isn't like I'm talking to you, making you listen to me. You can stop reading whenever you want.

This is for me.

Comments

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(Anonymous)
Oct. 29th, 2001 01:10 pm (UTC)
I should hope that everything you talk about is important to you - but sometimes it does matter to some of the rest of us, too. We do care about what you say, and you have said several things that mean very much to me. "I love you", for example. We are all immature; maturity comes with learning when it's ok to be goofy and when it's not, and then acting appropriately on that knowledge. On occasion, I, too, realize in the middle of a sentence that no one else is really paying attention to me, but somehow I just keep talking. We live, we learn (hopefully). And/but hopefully some of the things I say to you mean something to you. I love you. ~pict :*
leech
Oct. 29th, 2001 02:26 pm (UTC)
But who gets to decide what is meaningful?

I've always had the insatiable urge to tell others when I had a thought that seemed interesting to me- for if I forgot it, then that thought might be snuffed out of existence unless it lived in someone else's brain. I've learned to be relatively quiet about it, except for when I'm around people I trust enough that I can say anything to them, no matter how trivial, and they'll accept it as output of my mind. Even the rather pointless daydream of one of my profs asking, "Are there any questions?" and someone in the class (not me, of course) responding with, "Professor, why do these homework problems suck so much?" has some merit as a thought alone, and while I may not share it (well, aside from the fact that I just did), that doesn't make it somehow unworthy.

A brain is a very neat thing. Yours produces very interesting stuff.
grimhild
Oct. 29th, 2001 03:31 pm (UTC)
I see a difference between the "so what" factor as applied to the written vs. conversed word. It has to do with the intention, I think. Sure, when you write something for other peope to read (especially non-friends), usually it's in order to communicate something to them, to bring up something relevant or important. Something about which one might well ask, "so what?" With conversation, and a few written things like messages between friends and LJ entries,

:P

another purpose comes into play. This kind of communication also serves to reaffirm relationships and form bonds between people. So, while it might not affect my life in any great way to know that a feline brood survived the destruction in New York, I'm still glad that you told me, because it revealed to me just a wee bit more about you.

Know what I'm sayin'?
(Anonymous)
Oct. 30th, 2001 12:02 am (UTC)
Yet...
...we keep on reading, because what you have to say *does* matter to us. I promise. ;-)
--jess l.
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