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"So, Rich, Ma said that you guys might have to bump up the wedding?"
"Yeah."
Silence.
"To, uh, when, exactly?"
"Tuesday. This past Tuesday."

Yet another example of how my family doesn't really tell me anything. I found out about my brother's wedding on Thanksgiving - he didn't tell me, my mother didn't tell me. I guess I'm lucky to have even found out he was engaged to begin with. It's bad enough that my nuclear family is sort of the offshot twig of the family tree that gets ignored, but now I'm like the offshoot of the offshoot.

Ma and Richard have always been pretty close - this I knew from the beginning. It was always Ma and Rich, Daddy and me. Now? Ma and Rich, and me. Even if I do live closer to her, there's a much stronger connection between her and Richard than between the two of us, or between Richard and me. Ma seems to think that now we're growing up, we'll be able to grow closer and talk about things that we never discussed before - particularly Daddy's death. I honestly don't know.

I read the online diary of another friend from school, whose father passed away last Christmas from cancer. She mentioned conversations she had had with her younger brother regarding the last Thanksgiving that they had had with their father, and their feelings around his death. Not everything, not in detail - it's still a little close for that. But those are conversations I never had with Richard. I didn't even know how he found Daddy - he told Ma. I happened to be in the room, but I didn't hear most of it because he was speaking so softly, deliberately trying to keep me from hearing. I was too young to hear such things. I've always been too young, it seems. And my age has nothing to do with it.

I didn't set out to write yet another depressing journal entry - no wonder not that many people read this. I guess I miss having an actual family. One of the things that has always terrified me was being completely alone. It's probably why I stayed in relationships and friendships that were less than beneficial, because I wanted to have someone *there*. I've gotten less dependent on people in the past few years, mostly because I've lost the ability to trust in forever.

OK, that's enough of that. Nobody needs to deal with this stuff on a regular basis! Not even me, and I write it, for crying out loud...I got a guitar! (Note the oh-so-subtle subject change...I'm just that good.) For the play I'm in, there are going to be at least one, possibly two scenes in which some form of party atmosphere will need to be created. And what better way to create a party than having a band? Since I (barely) play the guitar, I'm in the band, along with another guitarist (Andy, infinitely better than I), four random percussionists, a sax player, and an accordian player. It's good stuff. We had fun messing around with it yesterday, and we got to take the instruments home to practice with. So I've got a guitar again! Yay.

So there. It isn't all gloom and doom, finally. Three more weeks, and I'm home.

Comments

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xtiana
Nov. 24th, 2001 08:02 am (UTC)
I always read your journal but if it makes you feel better nobody reads mine. Oh well. I write to placate myself.
(Anonymous)
Nov. 25th, 2001 10:39 am (UTC)
Looks like I may miss you for a bit. It'd be great if you could email me your address at home, as even though I missed sending you mail, I do have something for you.

Miss you like hell.

-Jason
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