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Dec. 11th, 2001

It's been awhile. I'll be home in three days. My show goes up the day after tomorrow.

It's been a rotten last few days. I keep feeling like I need to get away from all these people or I'll scream - today's rehearsal was fine on everybody else's part, horrid on mine - I'm not goign to have enough money left on my phone card to call Bret before I leave early Saturday morning - I'm petrified about coming home. I guess that last one's the big one. I know I've probably idealized things a bit (I tried to restrict the "if I were home, x would/n't happen" to cases where x was both true and likely), so I'm trying to remind myself of the shortcomings.

My bigger concern is about how people have - or haven't - idealized me. I've gotten a bit of a feeling like some of my friends expect every thing to be better once I get back. That worries me - I can't live up to that! I can't magically make people's lives happier or better or anything just because I'm there. I mean, yeah, I guess some people feel comfortable around me, but, I don't know. Being here, knowing my presense didn't really matter one way or the other to the people here, makes me a little wary of getting into a situation where people want to be around me.

I realize most of these worries will be put to rest when I finally see people again, but still. Plus, the rehearsal's just put me in a resally crappy mood. One of the kinds of moods where, if I were home, I'd find somebody willing to give me a hug/head skritch and just talk at for a little while. Sigh star sigh.

Comments

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leech
Dec. 12th, 2001 12:04 pm (UTC)
I'll have to disagree with you on one thing-- just having friends around can make things better, even if they're not actively doing anything. Your presence does matter to people, whether or not they show it.
(Anonymous)
Dec. 13th, 2001 11:12 am (UTC)
Amen to that! You can probably guess the number of times I've sat in Commons and exclaimed (or whined) - "I miss Stephie!!!" (Lots and lots of times, and lots and lots and LOTS of missing you.) Here's a virtual head-skritch to tide you over 'til Sat. Two days!!!
~pict
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