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I realized that I never posted about my appointment with my actual gynecologist. Long story short, without surgery, testing, and medication, it's unlikely that I will get pregnant. The surgery and medication would only possibly increase my odds - there's no way to know for certain if it would actually help anything.

Effectively, we can't have kids. It's been hard for me to wrap my head around, especially since there are things that could be done that would possibly increase our odds, and Eric and I are choosing not to go down that path. The fact that I'm not willing to allow myself to be poked and prodded in the intimate manner that would be necessary to take care of the issues tells me that it's probably for the best, and that I probably wouldn't be a very good mother. After all, if I'm not willing to go through this now, doesn't that mean I'd be unlikely to sacrifice myself for a child? At least, that's what it feels like.

In other news, there's an actual term for some of my issues - I apparently have a panic disorder with agoraphobia. I had to do some more research into the agoraphobia bit, because I always thought of that as being something related to wide open spaces, but it also covers things like large crowds and the overall feeling of not being able to get away or get someplace safe. That makes sense. That, plus depression, has made dealing with the news above more difficult that it probably should be. It's like a form of grieving, but I almost feel like I can't go through the entire grief process, because I haven't actually *lost* anyone - just the potential of someone.

I've been trying to make a point to continue doing something creative, but it's been a little difficult to get going. I still want to hold to my original timeline, but I think I'm going to have to push things back a bit.

Overall, it's hard not to feel like a disappointment, especially to myself. I know that it hurts Eric, too, but he's been doing such a great job of trying to hold things together for me that it'd be hard to tell. I don't want us to end up like my family did when Dad died - with everyone spent so much time trying to take care of each other than we didn't let ourselves be taken care of - and I want to make sure Eric is OK, too. It's a rough blow for both of us.

I thought I was more resigned than I am, but it's hard to get the thought of Theoretical Future Child out of my mind. The fact that there are things I could do, and am choosing not to, doesn't help.

Blah, blah, whine, whine, whine. Sorry, guys. Hopefully, the two of you that are still reading this don't get too bored with me.

Comments

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fairoriana
Mar. 11th, 2013 08:51 pm (UTC)
I'm sorry - that is a tough loss to bear. It is hard to learn the limitations of your body, especially when those limitations affect not only the way you planned on living your life, but the way your husband does.

I hope both of you can end up supremely happy the way you are!
eggies_red_dres
Mar. 12th, 2013 01:50 am (UTC)
Grieving makes sense. It really does, because it's a loss of a path you wanted. It's something you're giving up. It also makes sense to express that grief, because there's no road map for never being able to do something you really thought you would, and for people to understand.

I don't have anything else really to add, because we've only met a few times, but I wanted to let you know I hear you all the same.
houseboatonstyx
Mar. 12th, 2013 07:03 am (UTC)
http://arhyalon.livejournal.com/ has connections for adopting from China.
zzinnia
Mar. 14th, 2013 06:02 pm (UTC)
have not been here in a while, Stephanie, but complimented Eric on the beard and thought i would pop in and say hello.

my brother and his wife are struggling with similar issues. the prodding and poking is a lot.

i offer my support in any way i can.
pict_shrink
Mar. 23rd, 2013 01:13 pm (UTC)
The grief totally makes sense and is very real. I'm sorry that you're struggling with so much, but I'm glad you've found ways to get through it. I've been thinking about calling lately, but the time difference sucks... I miss you!
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