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Wow, but it's been a long time. I have no idea if anyone's still reading this, but I feel more comfortable spilling my guts here than in the various social media outlets I use for the day to day mundanity. At any rate, things are getting...to me, at least, they're getting scary.


About a year and a half ago, I found out that it would be exceptionally difficult for me to get pregnant. This was due in large part to fibroids, a type of fibrous, benign tumor that had taken up residence in and around my uterus. I've spent a lot of time coming to terms with this, and I believe that Eric and I are both at a point where we are comfortable with living our days as the best aunt and uncle we can be.

Earlier this month (well, July, so last month now), I woke up to a severe pain in my abdomen. With rest, ice, and pretty much not eating anything that day, it seemed to go away. I kept getting twinges of pain, and two more episodes of severe pain again.

After the first one, I requested an appointment with my gynecologist, because I'd very much like to know if something on my insides is trying to destroy me. I had an ultrasound (sidenote: after having my first transvaginal ultrasound, I've become extremely angry at any politician who believes that this procedure needs to happen before an abortion. Because seriously, screw you), and met with my doctor yesterday.

Long story short, the fibroids aren't trying to eat me, but they are trying to take over the world of my insides. They're big enough (and making my uterus big enough) that they're squishing my stomach and my bladder - thus the pain. I have an MRI scheduled for post-GenCon to get a better idea of what needs to happen, but surgery is in my future. Based on the ultrasound, it's sounding like laproscopic surgery is not going to be the best course of action - everything's just too damn big. What I kept referring to as the "nuclear option," a hysterectomy, is very much on the table.


I'm absolutely terrified. I've never had any kind of surgery before, and the idea of being knocked unconscious and cut into is pretty much my worst nightmare (second worst, actually - being awake while they do it is the worst nightmare). And even though I've resigned myself to not being a mother, I'm still not a huge fan of the idea of getting...whatever the female version of "emasculated" is. I don't particularly want to go into menopause at 33.

My doctor is fantastic, and is well aware of my concerns. She isn't going to make me schedule this a second sooner than I'm ready for it, but it does need to happen. I just hate being this scared, and knowing that my body's betraying me like this.

Comments

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princessgeek
Aug. 2nd, 2014 07:01 pm (UTC)
I had a partial hysterectomy at 33. (Still have ovaries). It's complicated emotionally, but like any loss, it decreases over time. Still get pangs of sadness here and there. I miss having a period strangely enough. I'd be glad to sit down and discuss with you any time.
luzclarita
Aug. 5th, 2014 01:35 am (UTC)
I'm sorry. It should be different.
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