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Wanderings and wishes

I spent the past two hours or so wandering around downtown(ish) London with no map, no idea where I was headed, and enough cash for a cab should I get hopelessly lost. (I'm foolish, not stupid.) It was a beautiful experience, to just walk and walk, picking a direction for no reason whatsoever other than just feeling like that would be a good place to go, and going. I had a great chance to explore my situation here, walking alone like that, and I've come to a conclusion as to why I'm not entirely thrilled about being here.

There are so many things I want to see and experience and taste, and money is a concern, yes. But the biggest problem is that I don't want to do these things alone. I want to share them with someone. I want to have someone I love there to talk about what we're seeing, to see it with me, to understand the beauty or the grotesqueness or whatever that pictures and words can't describe. I want to wander through museums with someone nearby, with whom I can make remarks about the exhibits, who can tell me his/her views on the subjects, who can just share the experience with me. Being here alone, even with the group of students I'm with (and they are great people, I'm just not feeling very...with it with them), makes it seem very lonely. Solitude's one thing - that, I can handle. I enjoy it, even. My walk this evening helped reinforce that. But there's so much more that I want to experience with people, that seeing it without them makes it seem...hollow. Viewing Big Ben and there's no clock in the tower, that sort of thing.

I'm sure I'll get over all of this soon enough, but in the meantime I'm going to wallow a bit. I miss everyone so much...and I miss hugs. Everyone around here's still in that fairly awkward stage when it comes to human contact - no one knows how far to go with anyone without actually offending them, and, and, I need contact! For heaven's sake...

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