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Here she goes again...

I called Bret, essentially waking him up and having a long, rambly, and somewhat unfulfilling conversation with him. Though I did get to hear him tell me he loves me, which was...thrilling, for lack of a better word. Good grief, I'm a sap.

Then I went to a play with a bunch of people from the program, including three of my four flatmates (*not* Clarissa, thank heavens), and enjoyed the show immensely. It was the group dynamic before and after that I didn't enjoy - I felt like I was thrown back into high school. I don't know who I am here. I'm not...cute, for one thing, which is one of my defining characteristics at school. Here, though, I'm nothing, it seems. I blend into the woodwork quite easily. And, being picky as I always am, I don't want the attentions of the one person seemingly willing to give them to me, but only from those whose lives I've left completely unaffected. I talk and talk about nothing, hoping to draw closer to them and succeeding only in pushing them farther away. When will I learn to shut up?

I'm doing the same thing with Bret, too, I feel - I ended up calling him a second time after the show, completely unable to explain to myself or him why I felt compelled to call him. I felt like I needed to hear the voice of someone who gave a damn about me, because I certainly wasn't hearing that around here. I still feel the need for a good cry, and I hate it. I despise myself for being so weak. I'm going to have to live my life alone in the end, and I know it - so why the hell can't I figure that out and stop being so damned dependent on people? Why do I keep having to reassure myself that someone cares? Whether they do or not, life goes on, and I need to deal with what it gives me.

It's late. I'm tired, and I'm in a funk. I'm sure it'll pass in a little while, as it always does. Until then, this is where I'll need to release the pent-up emotion that comes from being low in a strange land and not being able to trust anyone.

Comments

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(Anonymous)
Oct. 1st, 2001 08:02 pm (UTC)
love you
This shall pass. It's something I've fought in the past, and continue to struggle with sometimes even now. Recently I've tried to stop worrying so much about feeling outside of things and to let myself see where I actually stand, and I've found that I have more friends than I'd thought I did. Which isn't to say they're all close friends, but they're people I can hang out with. Also, do remember you've only been there a month - that's not all that long to make good solid friendships. I find myself sometimes just wanting to hold someone, but that doesn't make me weak. Hell, I think it takes some amount of strength to be able to admit these things, even to yourself. You are not weak, you are not alone. I love you. (Dammit.)
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