Well, maybe I didn't scare him as much as I thought - I read his online journal entry, written maybe ten minutes after I, well, yeah. It was short - "I think the world has turned inside out. And that might be a good thing. Knock on Wood."

Smart aleck. I'll be seeing him in about an hour, along with the others - this'll be interesting.

Especially now. Tim's been trying to get ahold of me for the past week or so - he had news. He's engaged. Or, as he put it, "engaged to be engaged" - basically, he's proposed, she's accepted, he just hasn't given her a ring yet. That'll be her 21st birthday present - so he has a year and a bit to save up for it.

There are so many ways I could react to this, many of them involving pain, frustration, and maybe some tears. But, it's the strangest thing - I'd have to actually work to react like that. My first thought was, granted, "You've GOT to be kidding." But he sounds so happy - and he deserves it. He's in love, he's happy...it's wonderful. And even if I didn't have whatever going on with Bret, I'm not begrudging him that happiness. Sure, I'd wished I had been the one who could've made him that happy, but I wasn't. Rosie is. And I'm glad he's found her.

I've said it a lot this summer, but I feel like I'm growing up again. Wow, I say. Maturity might not be such a bad deal after all, if I can be spared pain through it. Good heavens.

What the devil did I do? I scared the bejesus out of him, that's what. I just couldn't deal with knowing that tonight would be the last time I saw him alone, and knowing that I'd passed up all my chances. "If I don't do this now, I'll never get the guts to do it again." And I kissed him.

IDIOT! I scared him to death. I was so quick, and still i could feel him pulling away. Or losing his balance. But anyway. Dolt! Moron! He told you - but noooo, you couldn't let it be. We both laughed, and he told me he'd let me know what he thought about it once it registered. I know what he'll think - "just friends", etc. and so forth. Though he did say that I (along with his mom) am the only one he can have hours-long conversations with, "and that's so important." Just friends, I can feel it. I just know it. Idiot!!!!

And then I get home and get hollered at for being late (ten whole minutes) again. Man, I'll be glad to get out of this house.

Four full days left. Good Lord.

We talked everything out. He does like me - he considers me special - and we've gotten to know each other much better these past few weeks. However, he has "relationship anxiety", which he explained thorugh describing some of his past relationships. Basically, it boils down to him only having Relationships - the serious, hard core kind. Obviously, our timing's a bit off for that right now - not to mention the fact that he doesn't feel ready to get into that kind of relationship now. Thus, relationship-wise, it wouldn't work right now.


'Course, I keep using the word "now". I don't think any doors have been closed on the subject - after all, he does like me (and not Julia - to quote "yeah, I kinda half-thought about it for a minute, but, nah."). Basically, I'm thinking we'll be good friends, and if things happen when i get back, then great. If not - I can honestly say I won't be crushed.


Could it be that I'm growing up? Good heavens.


Now, I just have to deal with sore hands from a long night of sobbing and clenching and hitting. It was bad last night - Jason, I'm sorry. The first thing Ma said when I mentioned it to her was "what are you doing, doing that to somebody?" "What was I supposed to do?" "Deal with it!" And people wonder why I have a hard time opening up.


I think it's time for sleep. Time's running out, but I'm feeling a lot calmer and a bit less guilty now.

I was this close to leaving this afternoon - just going back home and saying to hell with everybody and everything here at this school. Last night, I wasn't even entirely sure I wanted to come back here when I get back from overseas. Now, I'm doing a little better, but not a ton.


I'll be leaving for Ma's tomorrow late morning, dropping stuff off at her place, then going to the dance lesson. And seeing Bret. Christ. The one sentence that I'm almost positive will come out of his mouth at some point, and that I dread more than anything, is "so, tell me about Julia..." I couldn't handle it. Nope. I'd just lose it! Yeah, right. I'd paste on a smile, make some joke about how I'd sensed it coming on, and act like there was nothing between him and me. Angela's of the opinion that I should sit him down ("if he looks like he'll run, tie him down") and talk to him about everything. Ma's sure he's going to ask me what's wrong. Ah, but she doesn't know that it's quite easy for me to hide what's actually wrong. First, that's assuming he'd even ask - the happy mask will probably be pretty damned strong tomorrow. And second, even if he does (which he won't), there are a dozen other things that I can say are bothering me that actually have nothing to do with the real problem I'm having. A little trick I've learned along the way - sometimes it pays to have more than one issue, and to be a professional worrier.


And now, because I went out with people twice in one evening, I have no cash. I think I'll have to run by an ATM at some point, which means spending more money I don't actually have...goddammit. I'm such a bloody idiot. I've been stupid all summer.


Goddammit all.

Idiot. Moron. Stupid. I can't believe that last entry - the more I thought about what he wrote, the more I could rationalize it away. And tonight - watching him watching Julia - dolt. Why in the world would he be the slightest bit interested in me? Especially when Julia's around - dammit, why does she ahve to be so everything? Pretty and popular and caring and funny and sweet and everything to turn attention to her and awy from the rest of us lowly peons. Not that it isn't deserved, of course - comparitively, the girl's close enough to what most guys want to make everyone else (read that: me) seem insignificant and just rotten. Not to mention petty, which is where I am now.


I just want to go home, and not think about any of this for a long time. I may do that tomorrow - I don't know how much more of this I can stand.

A rare thing in this diary - a bouncy-happy entry. Don't get used t it.


So I spent all of yesterday out and about, ending in a tango lesson and hanging out with Bret. As usual, I very much enjoyed his company, and wished I had some insight into how he felt. Something - anything.


Tonight he called, and we talked for over an hour. I'm feeling myself falling into something I haven't felt in a long time - the whole heart-pounding, silly giggling and blushing thing. But if only I knew!


During the conversation, I mentioned the fact that I'd be using my other diary as a way to let people know how I was doing while I'm gone. In return, he mentioned his online journal and gave me the name of it so I could read it. After I thought about it for a sec, remembering that I'd mentioned him in there a couple of times, I gave him that diary's name. The second I got off the phone, I raced online to his journal.


He likes me he likes me he likes me!! I garnered mentions on several days, usually when he talked about what he was doing. One mention stuck out in my mind. Talking about traffic getting to the tango lesson a couple weeks back, "and there she was, waiting for me right outside the door. Begin happy part." Also talking about being afraind about starting somethign that coule be potentially painful after we all went dancing, and on another day, "Did I mention Stephie's going to London for a semester? On the positive side of things..." He likes my company, he enjoys spending time with me...he likes me he likes me he likes me!!!


On another note, the world's been flipping upside down a bit these days. My older brother called the other day - he's getting married. Not right now - he and Cassie are waiting a year to save money for the wedding, but good grief. Also, yesterday my mother got asked out on a date for the first time in over twenty years, and decidedly the first time since Daddy died. Good grief again.

But the world's not completely upside-down. Maybe just sideways. But good grief, I'm saying.