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I read through some of my old entries in this notebook, particularly discussing what Bret and I discussed with regards to relationships. I think I've chilled out a bit since last night. My biggest problem, as always, as my tutorial teacher this morning reminded me, is confidence - or rather, a distinct lack thereof. I guess I've never really believed that I was enough for someone to eschew other romantic possibilities for me.

Diarius interruptus.

Back. Just read through a scene with Eric, who gave me a backrub after I mentioned how much I hated the corset I needed to wear for another scene. Huzzah, I say.

Back to the previous topic...I guess a big reason that confidence is non-existant is because of Tim, when he didn't seem to be able to go that long before falling in love with someone else. But the circumstances surrounding that whole fiasco are so very ddifferent from anything going on here, it's hard to compare.

I just wish I believed in myself more - it'd make things so much easier. But I still have a little voice (my family's voice, for the most part) that seems to equate confidence with vanity. Don't toot your own horn, let others praise you, we won't praise you because it'll give you a big head, others only praise you because they want something from you, we will harp on your every fault and find a few more you didn't know about, pride is a sin, there will always be somebody better - all lessons learned from very early on. So is it any wonder that I get a bit nervous about my boyfriend spending so much time with my (attractive, outgoing, personable, somewhat clingy and dependent) best friend?

I don't want this to sound as though I don't trust them. Granted, I've never in my life been able to completely one-hundred percent without a doubt trust anyone wholeheartedly and without reservation. What I don't trust is my o wn ability to maintain a place in both of their lives. I mean, I also really miss being the one Julia calls all the time to talk to and cry to and generally open up to. That's the role I feel most comfortable with, and it hurts to know that she doesn't need me as such anymore. At least, not to the extent of the past, which is completely natural given the circumstances, etc. and so forth and such.

But. But but but. These people are not my life. If I imagine the unimaginable, I don't see it destroying me. Because of this, I'm not as worried as I could be. I know, it doesn't really seem like that, given the nice lengthy entries I've written on the subject. But I feel it's more envy than jealousy, and that's a very important distinction. Envy can be dealt with, worked through, set aside, popping up once and again but essentially laid to rest. Jealousy is consuming, bleak, desperate, torturous and harsh.

And really, who needs that?

Comments

( 1 bubble — Blow a bubble )
(Anonymous)
Oct. 2nd, 2001 09:48 am (UTC)
ooh!
I need to see pictures of you in this corset! ::eeg:: waml. ~me :*
( 1 bubble — Blow a bubble )

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