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My schedule's getting more and more screwy - I have a random hour and a half break now before Stage fighting, and because I'm not called for one class and another class has been rescheduled, I'll have two classes on Friday - the first at 9am, the last at 3:15pm. On the upside, I'll have enough of a break to go home and take a nap - on the downside, I still have to get up early in the morning. Were I back home, I'd probably sleep through the morning class - somehow, here I just can't justify it. Now if only I can keep that up when I get home...

An eye-opening exercise in Modern Physical today. We played with personal status, makeing a scale of 1-10 (1 being lowest), and had someone choose a number randomly then walk around the space as that status. A 10 was to exude confidence, make everyone in the room notice them immediately and say "wow", and move in their own time and rhythem.

Basically, not me. So what number do I choose? Of course.

On the other side, for a different exercise with the same scalle a I drew number 3, and I was shocked to realize that I wasn't acting - I was just giving in to all the inner temptations to cringe in the corner, and actively showed the nervousness I feel anyway. To be honest, I didn't do anything out of the ordinary - and people knwe right away what number I was.

After class, I was talking to someone who essentially made me feel as though I'd made a decent-sized faux pas - and I realized why I couldn't play a 10. It's hard to play a 10 when you're only a 4 yourself. If that.

Further evidence of my lack of confidence in voice class. We had to read a passage of prose aloud. I chose the ending passage of a fairly twisted mystery story, which was fun. But apparently not only does my body language betry my shyness, but even my voice and the way I form words. I did what she told me to do to send the voice to the audience, and realized my heart was pounding and I was beginning to sweat a bit out of fear.

Everyone who performed a 3 or 4 today did something that I do naturally. I'm beginning to wonder how much my lack of confidence will affect any possibility of an acting career. It makes me think I may not be able to cut it. I don't know how to change! I don't even know how I managed to go this long without realizing what a problem this is. Maybe it's just seeming worse now that I'm in a strange environement surrounded by people who do exude confidence.

When I was in the sixth grade, in our DARE class the teacher asked who we thought had high self-esteem. Someone said my name - "she seems so confident." What a change eight years makes.


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Oct. 10th, 2001 04:26 pm (UTC)
don't fret!
For the longest time I felt as if I was the epitime of self-conciousness and low self-esteem. This has been going on since Jr. High and I'm a senior in high school and I still get a little shy around people. If you start to open up in small groups to people you don't normally talk to, it helps. But I know how you feel! I'm not a person to jump into the limelight either! :)
Oct. 11th, 2001 12:33 am (UTC)
Oddly enough, theater played a big role in my development of social skills and confidence. I guess a big part of that was trust for the other actors. I was accepted as a person, so I wasn't afraid of pushing my limits on stage.

I've never been great at acting high status, but one of the most useful exercises I had for that was in Alexander class. Are you taking Alexander? Some of the walking I learned (neck free, torso expanded, legs moving effortlessly) was both steady and graceful- very good for high status.
Oct. 11th, 2001 09:09 am (UTC)
why do you think i do MT?
seriously, though. normally i spend time worrying about whether my actions will hurt/offend others and such, so i have trouble asserting myself. granted, i've gotten better about it (especially when people are keeping me from sleeping ::g::). but when i'm onstage in MT, i'm supposed to be making a fool of myself, the expectation is that i'm going to be silly, and so i can be.
i've told my parents about MT, and my dad was totally surprised that i'd do a thing like that. he thinks of me as a far more reserved person (which is fair enough, considering i am more reserved at home than at school). then again, he doesn't know anything about NPD or picting...
you're a beautiful person and you've got plenty to be confident about. i give you the advice a wise person once gave me - "talk to somebody about it! somebody professional." god knows i'd love to be able to help you, but i don't know how other than to beat you over the head with a wiffle bat until you get it. and somehow i don't think that would be particularly productive.
~pict :*
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