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Round the bend

So. During my enormous break between classes, in the library, Clarissa finally asks what I'm going to do during break (we have a week-long break coming up soon). I, feeling relieved to hear her say she was going to Spain for the week, reply with the standard line - "I'm staying here. I can't afford to go anywhere." Sad, but true.

He eyes got wide. "But it wouldn't cost that much - the plane ticket would maybe be the cost of a show!" (This would be for a one-way ticket, neglecting cost of hostels and actually *doing* anything once there.)
"There's no way, Clarissa. It's just not possible."
"Not even to Barcelona?"
"No, Clarissa."

She leaves. I talk to the other people in the room, go back to reading plays. She comes back. "Steph, can I talk to you for a minute?"
"Sure." (inward cringe) "What about?"
"Clarissa, there's no way -"
"I mean buying your ticket for you."

Blink blink. Yes, that's right, she's offering to take me to Spain for a week. She didn't understand why I said no. I tried to explain that I couldn't accept it (she's seeing this as a gift - "I've been wanting to give you something back for awhile - you've given me so much." "I have? I let you use some of my milk once...you've given me chocolate and a mango (a mango! Just randomly! I don't even *like* mango that much!), I think we're even..."), but she seems to think I deserve something more - especially since she enjoys my company so much.

So much, in fact, that she's standing in the middle of the room staring at me as I write this. OK, she's gone. My shoulder's cramping, I get so tense around her. And an entire week in Spain, with just her?

I don't think so. Much as I'd love to go back to Spain, much as I would adore seeing everything there again, knowing I'd have to do it all with her just ruins it for me, really. I've alreday told her no, and no it shall remain. There's no way.

Of course, there is that little nagging part of me that knows I may never get this chance again, and a bit of discomfort shouldn't keep me from seeing that beautiful country again. Basically, I'm channelling my mother again.

What thinkest thou, dear readers?


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Oct. 16th, 2001 03:21 pm (UTC)
Whats the problem?
I understand how you feel about not wanting to be a mooch and just let someone buy the ticket for you, but if you really want to go, maybe you can slowly pay her back. How often do you get to go to Spain? You should be so lucky! I don't even go to Florida and its 3 states away from me! Why don't you want to go with this girl Clarissa?
Oct. 17th, 2001 10:01 am (UTC)
Re: Whats the problem?
I probably didn't articulate it well enough earlier. Basically, the girl makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I feel like I'm being watched and...almost worshipped, in a way? It's really hard to describe in words. Basically, the idea of spending a week with her in a foreign country and knowing that I'd owe it to her to spend the entire time with her sends me into twitchy fits, which really isn't the way I want to spend my week's break.
Oct. 16th, 2001 03:32 pm (UTC)
I'd want to go, but that's likely because I've never been to Spain before. And I don't know all the ins and outs of the situation. It seems to be more about Clarissa than money, anyway. Or, maybe it's just about being able to relax and be still for a while. :) Anyway, I would like to hear more about what exactly it is about Clarissa that makes you uneasy, just what the feeling is. I don't remember a time when anyone hung around me so much that it freaked me out. Obnoxious folks, yes, but not just incessant attention. Anyway, take care, m'dear, and whatever you do, just be sure you gain rather than lose sanity during your vacation.
Oct. 17th, 2001 10:04 am (UTC)
Gaining rather than losing sanity is exactly the point of not going to Spain with her. I feel like everything I do is scrutinized to an unhealthy extent, and that I can't do anything because it may be cause for alarm somehow. Again, it's very difficult to put the feeling in words. I know I'm not the only one feeling it - Libby's had the same problem. God, I must sound so petty bitching about this girl all the time...
Oct. 17th, 2001 03:50 pm (UTC)
its ok!
Don't stress! And don't feel bad about bitching. My friend Melissa hates this girl and every day while we're in the locker room changing for volleyball practice, she always talks about what a bitch she is and how stupid she is and something else snobby and ego-centric she said that day. So you aren't alone! :)

If this girl really makes you uneasy, then don't go to Spain. Its not worth it, no matter how much you love it there, if you're going to be in misery because of the person you're with. If you think you'll have fun, then you should go. But if you think you won't enjoy it, maybe you should pass it up. However, somethings truly aren't as bad as they seem..
Oct. 17th, 2001 06:41 pm (UTC)
I know you, babe - if you go, you'll be uncomfortable, you'll feel guilty for being uncomfortable, the guilt will be compounded by the feeling that you owe her something and you should be greatful... Don't go if you're not going to enjoy it. I don't want you to put yourself through that crap. ~pict :*
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