In part, it's because I'm realizing that I'm stuck in a job pushing papers around for at least another 6 months, without even the possibility for advancement or transfers within the company until that time is up. I'm doing something a trained monkey could do - so much for that college degree, eh? And I know I won't get into UW this term - I just feel it in my gut.
In part, it's because I saw a bunch of people from college this weekend when going to Dustin's wedding. The wedding itself was lovely, as a good friend married a girl he's known and loved since high school. But there was an element of the surreal about it, too - being congratulated on the engagement by an ex-boyfriend, realizing that everyone I knew already knew about the engagement, because I'm apparently still very much on the radar, and yet feeling like I could invite all of them to our wedding, and not a damned one of them would show. It's a part of my life that's over, and going back was just strange.
In part, it's because there's so much to do, and so little time to do it. There are things at home that need to be taken care of, and I'm the one to take care of them because they only really bother me. Right now, I'm the one supporting us, and it feels like I'm just barely keeping us afloat. If Eric doesn't have something reasonably stable (by that I mean something that's going to last for more than two weeks) by the end of May, I'm going to start looking for a second job. At the rate we're going now, we're paying all the bills, but little things like groceries and savings for the wedding are getting shoved to the side. We can't do that. With any luck, it won't come to that - Eric's got another lead through the temp agency - but I need to know I can do what it takes to take care of us. And, well, I'm not sure I can.
I keep feeling like something's wrong, I've screwed up somehow, but I'm not sure what I did or how to fix it. I feel like I want to just start screaming at someone, making up offenses and turning all the anxious energy into some kind of frenzied anger aimed somewhere, and just keep screaming until I can't anymore. I want to sit down and cry, or stand up and shout, or curl up and sleep - SOMETHING.
Lunch is almost over. Time to get back.