Setaú úta (setauuta) wrote,
Setaú úta

Another dream on the shelf

Got the official rejection letter from UW last night. I think it's just now sinking in - no grad school this year.

It isn't just that - grad school is just a means to an end. In this case, the end is being a librarian. Now? Not so much. I'm starting to think my Uncle Leo was right - I lost my chance. Not going to grad school right after college means I'm not going to go. It's stupid, I know, but it's been a rough blow.

I'm not sure what to do next, now. It feels like the general course of my life (or at least, where I thought it was going) has been thrown off, and I haven't the faintest idea where I'm going now. I honestly don't know what I want to do. I'm 24, with a college degree, and still haven't the faintest idea of what I want to be when I grow up. Well, no, that's not quite right - I know what I WANT to do, but it's not feasible. In a dream world, where there's nothing to keep me from doing exactly what I want, I'd be in theater, either on-stage or backstage doing makeup. Theater's been a big part of my life since I was eight - being in a play was one of the only things that got me out of bed in the mornings my senior year of college. I had a decent-sized part in a friend's thesis show, and while I was perfectly willing to screw myself over by, effectively, dropping the final project of a class required for my major, I simply couldn't let someone else's thesis fail because of me.

So what's the problem, you may ask? Well, there are a couple of them. The biggest one is, frankly, I'm not very good. My acting...leaves a lot to be desired. Talent, say. My makeup work is better, but it's not exactly an easy field to break into - particularly since it's generally lumped with costumes, and I am baffled by textiles, frankly. Another big problem is that, even if I were to somehow get into an MFA program somewhere, allowing me to work towards a Master's in performance, well, it's not a program really offered locally. Doing that would mean leaving here, and leaving here would, most likely, mean leaving Eric, as I don't think I could get him out of Washington with a crowbar. Which means, no. Hell no, even.

Moving on? There's being a professional student, essentially - taking more classes in whatever the hell I want, maybe even getting another bachelor's. The problem? It doesn't lead me any closer to figuring out a career, really - it just staves the inevitable of growing up. Besides, I already have one piece of paper saying that a college thinks I'm cool - what do I need another one for? College is expensive, even just to take a few classes at the community college or whatever - the benefit's just not worth the output.

When I was a kid, I wanted to see myself published. I wanted to be a writer. Again, only one small problem - distinct lack of talent (as anyone who's reading the stuff of Eric's and my setting can tell you). I realize that a good chunk of my problem with both acting and writing is a lack of confidence, but come on now - I'm not so much good. There's actually a REASON behind my lack of confidence.

Everyone, at some point, has something they 'want to be' or 'want to do.' You take some classes, work some jobs that you don't much like, do what you have to do so you can [fill in the blank]. A lot of my friends are filling in that blank, too - my friends who want to be teachers are either teachers or damn close to being teachers. My writer friends? Writers. One of my artist friends just made the move to supporting herself as an artist, without the day job anymore - a rare development, to be sure, but still. Eric's getting himself in the game industry, making him a very happy Eric, and me? Well, I still don't know what to fill the blank in with. I can just keep working where I am, eventually moving my way up to becoming a more important office monkey, but there's no passion there. I guess that's the problem - the things that I have passion for are out of reach, and I don't know how to bring them closer.

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