Setaú úta (setauuta) wrote,
Setaú úta

Trying to get things sorted out in my head...there are a lot of things lately that have been putting me in a bit of a panic, and I fee like it might be better if I set them down somewhere, to sort them out. I'm NOT asking for advice - I'm putting this behind a cut if people don't want to read it.

Money. I feel like I'm constantly juggling, and I have no idea how we're managing to stay afloat. We are, though, somehow, but we can't seem to save anything. Eric's never been great with money, so he doesn't deal with the bills now, but it's tight, and it shouldn't be. It's a matter of when I'm getting paid - I feel like I have to be a month ahead to keep from being a day late. Put it this way - it's June 13th, and there's one bill left to pay for June (which doesn't cut until about the 20th), and it's been like this since mid-May. I just don't know how much longer I can keep it going because....

The wedding. I've told people that we would have something definite for the date by the end of the month, which would mean putting down a deposit. I honestly have no idea how we're going to get this deposit together. Now, I grant you, I'm considering this all based on what I make, and not factoring Eric's paycheck at all, mostly because his paycheck's almost gone between car payments, car insurance, and groceries. Also, I have no control over that money, so I don't feel like I can dictate anything about where it goes.

The apartment. Dear Lord, the apartment. Anyone who's been there knows what kind of a sty it is. The problem is that Eric and I are both, inherently, lazy bastards, which makes it harder to keep up. But beyond that, it doesn't bother Eric enough that he's willing to do anything about it, and it bothers me so much that I end up seized with panic and can't do anything. I know what I should be doing, and what I need to do - I just don't know how to do it yet. I'm hoping to get myself angry enough about it that it'll overcome the panic, and I can do something. Not the healthiest way of going about it, but it works.

Me. I had a long talk with Eric about this in the car on the way home on Saturday, after we saw some friends and I realized that I'm a dabbler (at best) at one of the activities I'd always felt pretty confident about. It seems like this year, I've been losing those things that I thought made me ME. I need to find some others, or at least feel better about being mundane, but it's hard. I'm also fully sick of the summer already. June and July are the months from hell for me - Father's Day, and the Fourth of July. I really want to just crawl into bed and wake up in August.

Well...that didn't work. Time for plan b - chocolate.
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