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Jun. 13th, 2005

Trying to get things sorted out in my head...there are a lot of things lately that have been putting me in a bit of a panic, and I fee like it might be better if I set them down somewhere, to sort them out. I'm NOT asking for advice - I'm putting this behind a cut if people don't want to read it.

Money. I feel like I'm constantly juggling, and I have no idea how we're managing to stay afloat. We are, though, somehow, but we can't seem to save anything. Eric's never been great with money, so he doesn't deal with the bills now, but it's tight, and it shouldn't be. It's a matter of when I'm getting paid - I feel like I have to be a month ahead to keep from being a day late. Put it this way - it's June 13th, and there's one bill left to pay for June (which doesn't cut until about the 20th), and it's been like this since mid-May. I just don't know how much longer I can keep it going because....

The wedding. I've told people that we would have something definite for the date by the end of the month, which would mean putting down a deposit. I honestly have no idea how we're going to get this deposit together. Now, I grant you, I'm considering this all based on what I make, and not factoring Eric's paycheck at all, mostly because his paycheck's almost gone between car payments, car insurance, and groceries. Also, I have no control over that money, so I don't feel like I can dictate anything about where it goes.

The apartment. Dear Lord, the apartment. Anyone who's been there knows what kind of a sty it is. The problem is that Eric and I are both, inherently, lazy bastards, which makes it harder to keep up. But beyond that, it doesn't bother Eric enough that he's willing to do anything about it, and it bothers me so much that I end up seized with panic and can't do anything. I know what I should be doing, and what I need to do - I just don't know how to do it yet. I'm hoping to get myself angry enough about it that it'll overcome the panic, and I can do something. Not the healthiest way of going about it, but it works.

Me. I had a long talk with Eric about this in the car on the way home on Saturday, after we saw some friends and I realized that I'm a dabbler (at best) at one of the activities I'd always felt pretty confident about. It seems like this year, I've been losing those things that I thought made me ME. I need to find some others, or at least feel better about being mundane, but it's hard. I'm also fully sick of the summer already. June and July are the months from hell for me - Father's Day, and the Fourth of July. I really want to just crawl into bed and wake up in August.

Well...that didn't work. Time for plan b - chocolate.


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Jun. 13th, 2005 09:17 pm (UTC)
advice, take it or leave it....
"I'm a dabbler (at best) at one of the activities I'd always felt pretty confident about" - hopefully you're not talkign about Leigh & her x-stitch. She's a junkie about it in the way that Eric is about board games (and gaming in general) and I am about video games. Your skills surpass many I'm sure.

As for the apt, I know it helped Leigh and I to lay out who was responsible for what. SOme of it happened naturally, some of it didn't. Establish a "you cook, I clean" kind of system, where you share the work equally. Eric's not broken I'm sure - he can do laundry, clean dishes, cook, vacumn, etc. just as well as anyone else. If he doesn't do it well, teach him. You'll be together for the rest of your lives, it'd be easier to get some of the gorund rules laid out sooner instead of later.
Jun. 14th, 2005 03:17 am (UTC)
no advice, but empathy
I still live paycheck to paycheck, Reed-style... ie, NO SAVINGS AT ALL. I know what it's like to realize you have nothing put away and can't seem to keep your savings balance up.... It must be even harder with the wedding on top of all the rest of it...

BIG HUGS, and I hope to see you at game night this week.

Also, if you ever want to just come over and hang out and be crafty, I need to get back on top of my knitting, and it always helps to have a fellow crafter around...
Jun. 14th, 2005 05:36 am (UTC)
yeah. don't have advice either, but for what it's worth, i think you're doing a damn fine job with things. if you ever need any help, just give me a ring. i may not check my messages until i find the mobile/remember i have a mobile/charge the mobile/get asked by my co-workers if that's my mobile ringing... but once i do you will have an outpouring of support that may terrify you or at least distract you.

Jun. 14th, 2005 01:45 pm (UTC)
You're doing better than a lot of America - you're actually paying your bills. I know that probably doesn't make you feel much better, but at least it's something. {{{bighugehonkinhugs}}} Anytime you need me, you know how to get a hold of me... I am always here for you.

me :*
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