Setaú úta (setauuta) wrote,
Setaú úta

wedding whining

Forgive me, I'm going to wax melodramatic for a moment.

I know for a fact that I'm not going to have much by way of family at the wedding. There are a couple of reasons for this. One is that neither side of my family has much money, and they live fairly far away (mom's side in Minnesota, dad's side in Colorado). On Mom's side, there's been drama lately - one of my aunts feels that she and my uncle (this couple also happens to be my godparents, and are the aunt and uncle I feel closest to) won't be able to make it if I can't have my uncle in the wedding. By "in the wedding", she means having him walk me down the aisle. This became a point of contention the moment she found out that I want Mom and my brother to walk me down the aisle (my father having died 7 years ago). There's also been some other drama involving another cousin, which means that some of the aunts and uncles are upset with my mother (basically, she went to the wedding of one of my cousins while the rest of the family boycotted it, because they didn't feel that he treated his mother (my mom's sister) right when he moved out and sold their house. It's...complicated.), so they're certainly not going to go to anything involving her kids. Y'know, like my wedding.

On Dad's side...well, my grandmother's getting up there in years, and she doesn't travel. My dad's brother is obese, has diabetes, has already had one foot amputated, and basically doesn't leave the house - my aunt, his wife, takes care of everything. Their (grown) sons have families of their own, and might think about coming, except for the money thing...and the fact that, about two months after Eric and I announced our engagement and wedding date, one of my other cousins announced his wedding - exactly one week before ours. So, they aren't going to be able to deal with two weddings so close to each other, and as Brian's wedding is taking place in Colorado, near all of them, well, we see who wins that one. Besides which, they pretty much don't give a damn. See, ever since my dad died and my mother and brother and I had the audacity to not move closer to them (mom especially - I was going to Reed, and my brother was working on a paramedic's degree in Maryland, so we had "excuses", but mom didn't), we've pretty much ceased to matter. They came to my high school graduation - poor little Stephie who'd lost her father a few months before, let's try to make it up by showing up in force - but that was the last thing I've done that mattered to them. No word after college graduation, and no word since we've announced the engagement. Well, not to me, at least - my aunt's already told my mother that they won't be able to make it.

I guess it would just be nice to feel like I actually mattered to any of these people. Yeah, we're not really all that close - my family moved around a lot, so we weren't there for every little thing, but we did our best. But now...well, I'm just the kid, and I'll always be "just the kid", and that means that whatever I do won't matter that much. All in all, I feel like I've kinda been dropped by the family - I live too far away, I'm too young, I'm too late to do anything that everyone else hasn't already done, and that's that.

I miss being a part of a family. I miss having a home, and a safety net, and people who are always there because they just ARE. Ever since dad died, our family's stopped existing. My brother doesn't really talk to me, and my mom, wonderful as she is, is only one person, and she's trying to hard to hold onto herself and me and my brother that I feel bad leaning on her too much. I miss having a history with people that extends back to childhood, and having people who "remember when."

Ye gods, but I'm whining tonight. I've got friends, y'know? It's not exactly like I'm alone in the world. And Eric, always Eric. I need to stop complaining about not having what I did then, and focusing on what I have now. I need to start making a new family. I just wish my wedding didn't feel like it's going to be a requiem for the old family.
Tags: wedding, whining
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