September 18th, 2001

XBox Me

To post or not to post?

I've been arguing with myself about posting this ever since I wrote it, because I'm not sure about how my feelings will go over. But, in the end, it is my diary, the place I swore would not be censored based on the readership. Call it irresponsible, call it what you will, but it belongs here. - 19/9/2001

I must be getting sappy in my old age. I'm starting to consider whether my feelings for Bret have gone into that most dangerous of territories, love. Those waters haven't been felt head-on for over a year now. Yes, I did get the idea that I was falling for Petere early in the summer - but I think that was mostly the idea of being with someone who claimed to love me.

I'm trying to sort out why I got together with him, knowing how strange and possibly stupid it would be to get into a relationship right before I left. I think that little obstacle in and of itself rules out WBS - if that were all, I could have waited a week and hooked up with someone here. Instead, I put myself in a position to deny any outlet for WBS frustration, for someone back home. Why?

I feel as though I forced him into a relationship he wasn't ready for, and may not actually want altogether. After all, I could have accepted what we'd discussed before, left it as a friendship, and waited to see what would happen. Instead, I kissed him.


I don't think it was simply because "he was there." Plenty of people have been "there", and I have taken advantage of that fact in the past; but this time, I think it's different.

Or am I fooling myself?

And, of course, this is all on my end. I have an idea how I feel, and I do believe I was the pursuer (again 0 drat Matthew for his spider-woman images of me). In the past, I've learned that pursuing makes me unsure of the feelings of the pursued. After all, he could be humoring me, simply be flattered by the attention, or be too shy or scared to tell me that the feelings don't completely flow both ways.

If nothing else, Mom's maxim about relationships has held true - there's always one person who's more into it than the other. Always. And I am usually that one - particularly in the relationships in which I pursued the other party.

Which makes it hurt all the more when the feelings are predominantely one-sided.

So. What do I do? Let myself fall, admit as much to him, and watch him make tracks? Or, worse, discover that the feel,ings simply aren't reciprocated? Or simply keep my trap sensibly shut, and let whatever happens happen? That would be the wisest course, of course, since I'm not entirely sure of my heart. I'm nearly there - but that omnipresent doubtling is still there, paralyzing me and preventing me from feeling confident in my heart. However, that doubtling's never gone away in my life, so Heaven only knows how accurate an indicator it is.

And now, the next question: Do I post this entry, and do I keep my diary public? I promised myself that I would never hide anything from this diary - no private entries. However. He reads this diary, and it may defeat the entrie purpose of keeping my mouth shut if he reads it all here. On the other hand, it's all stuff that should probably be known, to keep a relationship healthy and open. I don't want to hide anything from him, either.

Well, I'll most likely have a few days to decide, as I won't be getting to a webcafe for awhile. update: HA! At least, that's the hope. As it stands right now, spending a maximum of £50 a week will have me using everything a week before I leave - using the most conservative of all estimates, so possibly not. Either way, I'll figure something out. Not that anyone's really interested in my finances, but, yeah. It's my diary, after all.

I think I will post it, and let the chips fall where they may. Either brave or foolhardy, that's my decision. For now.