September 27th, 2001

XBox Me

(no subject)

I wonder...the CD I'm listening to right now is filled with "love saved me" songs - I never could have made it without your love, without your love I'm lost, you brought color back into the world because everything was horrible before I met you, etc.

Is it a bad thing that, for the most part, these songs don't apply?

Now that I think aobut it, this might be one of, if not the, first relationship I've had where I haven't tried to make those kind of songs applicable. For so long it seemed like the only way to make life bearable was to have someone love me - everything was just so horrible without someone. I hated being alone - I hated being single. Thus I made each relationship mean something. It became one of the most important aspects of my life. It almost defined me, in a sense - I was "in a relationship."

This time's different. This time, I don't feel as thought Bret makes my life worth living or anything like that. Of course, he makes my life better, in a hundred little ways that mean oceans to me. But life wasn't all that bad before him. I didn't mind being alone. I don't feel as though my life and his are inextricably entwined - we share our lives with each other, but they are still separate. Maybe that's due mostly to the situation - it's a bit difficult to make your life revolve aroudn someone 6000 miles away.

Because of all this, I feel less like my world would end if the relationship does end, and that allows me to become more comfortable with the idea of letting myself be in love. It's a very new concept to me. I just wonder if there's something wrong with this approach to relationships, since it is so new to me.
XBox Me

(no subject)

Why do you act? Because it started out being fun, playing with costumes and makeup. It gave me a chance to be in front of people without having to be myself. I could slowly start overcoming my shyness. My horrible, painful shyness. It was fun.

Then Daddy died.

Acting as therapy - acting as emotional release - acting as escapism. Next on Oprah.