October 1st, 2001

XBox Me

(no subject)

I read through some of my old entries in this notebook, particularly discussing what Bret and I discussed with regards to relationships. I think I've chilled out a bit since last night. My biggest problem, as always, as my tutorial teacher this morning reminded me, is confidence - or rather, a distinct lack thereof. I guess I've never really believed that I was enough for someone to eschew other romantic possibilities for me.

Diarius interruptus.

Back. Just read through a scene with Eric, who gave me a backrub after I mentioned how much I hated the corset I needed to wear for another scene. Huzzah, I say.

Back to the previous topic...I guess a big reason that confidence is non-existant is because of Tim, when he didn't seem to be able to go that long before falling in love with someone else. But the circumstances surrounding that whole fiasco are so very ddifferent from anything going on here, it's hard to compare.

I just wish I believed in myself more - it'd make things so much easier. But I still have a little voice (my family's voice, for the most part) that seems to equate confidence with vanity. Don't toot your own horn, let others praise you, we won't praise you because it'll give you a big head, others only praise you because they want something from you, we will harp on your every fault and find a few more you didn't know about, pride is a sin, there will always be somebody better - all lessons learned from very early on. So is it any wonder that I get a bit nervous about my boyfriend spending so much time with my (attractive, outgoing, personable, somewhat clingy and dependent) best friend?

I don't want this to sound as though I don't trust them. Granted, I've never in my life been able to completely one-hundred percent without a doubt trust anyone wholeheartedly and without reservation. What I don't trust is my o wn ability to maintain a place in both of their lives. I mean, I also really miss being the one Julia calls all the time to talk to and cry to and generally open up to. That's the role I feel most comfortable with, and it hurts to know that she doesn't need me as such anymore. At least, not to the extent of the past, which is completely natural given the circumstances, etc. and so forth and such.

But. But but but. These people are not my life. If I imagine the unimaginable, I don't see it destroying me. Because of this, I'm not as worried as I could be. I know, it doesn't really seem like that, given the nice lengthy entries I've written on the subject. But I feel it's more envy than jealousy, and that's a very important distinction. Envy can be dealt with, worked through, set aside, popping up once and again but essentially laid to rest. Jealousy is consuming, bleak, desperate, torturous and harsh.

And really, who needs that?
XBox Me

Me, apparently

Goodness gracious me...am I that transparent? We had a game in movement today that gave us an idea as to how well we know each other. Each person had to think of another person in the room, and everyone else in the group took turns asking questions about the person you're thinking of. But not your average questions, oh, no. What kind of tree would your person be? What kind of car? What kind of orgasm?

Well, there's sixteen of us in this group, and only an hour for the class, so obviously not every person would get done. I certainly didn't expect to be. Then Chip started answering questions. I've written down the questions and his answers as best as I can remember. Remember, these are his responses as to my nature - and, in my mind, scarily accurate.

What kind of fish? Goldfish (wanting to be a barracuda)
temperature? 75 degrees Farenheit
kind of pasta? Rice (close enough)
light fixture? Good strong reading lamp
breakfast cereal? Coco Puffs
party favor? bowl of chocolate goodies
taste? bittersweet chocolate
sexual position? (Oh, the shades of red he turned...) Dominant yet laid back
fabric? really nice soft wool
kind of song? Spanish ballad
kind of movie? unhappy romance (hrmph)
kind of hat? covers the ears, dark with splotches of color
book? Don Quixote (he said he could just picture me tilting at windmills)
animal? cat (duh)
type of salsa? medium, the good thick kind, not watery ("A person of substance")
type of plastic surgery? something involving spine-lengthening (to be taller)

Everybody guessed it so quickly! I was amazed. I also didn't realize how much someone had been able to glean from me so quickly.

Just an interesting little exercise in how much I've leaked to people so far. Welcome to week four.