February 9th, 2003

XBox Me

It's going to be one of those lifetimes...

So. I've been trying very hard to keep myself stable, and not get to the point where I was last semester. Basically, that means not letting myself get horribly emotional and forcing my presence on people who don't want it. Overall, I've been doing pretty well. There was one night where I needed to talk to someone, anyone, and of course, everyone was asleep, so I ended up sending a long email to my older brother. He and I don't really have what one might call a close relationship, so I'm guessing it was completely out of the blue for him that I would even email him, much less that it should be such a long, personal email. Really, in the end all I'm trying to do is keep from hating myself. I'm not honestly sure why I shouldn't, but it seems to me to be the best step toward recovery.

Problem. Every time I see Matt, and to a lesser extent Eric and AdriAnne, I'm reminded of every reason I have to hate myself. I was, and still am, a horrible, horrible person. I inflicted so much pain on them, and for what? No earthly good came of it - just the opposite, in fact. To be perfectly honest, I don't see any reason why I should still be here. But there must be something, right?
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