July 11th, 2003


Ah, brain chemistry

Well, the past couple of days have been loads of fun, let me tell you. I tried weaning myself off my meds again, and I can't win. If I don't take them, I get depressed. If I do, I get irritable. Yesterday, I learned that I need them in order to function at all, really. I lost it when talking to my mother, and she reacted in a way that was much akin to how Matt reacted to me at the end. I can't control how I feel, I overreact to the least little thing, and everything seems to make things worse. To top it off, I talked to my best friend from high school a couple of days ago, and learned that while I was contemplating suicide, she was downing a bottle of codeine. She's been on her meds (for manic-depressive disorder) for so long that if she tries to go off of them, then she is prone to seizures. The very idea frightens me, because I can't stand the idea of becoming that dependent upon my meds; however, given the last couple of days, it looks that my dependency is growing.

Goddammit. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get over this? Why can't I be normal? Am I going to be forced to push away everyone that meets me? My own mother, for God's sake. She walked away from me. WALKED AWAY. And I can't control it. I can't control my own fucking life. My own reactions, emotions. Fuck. Maybe the one therapist is right, and I need to be put away for the safety of mankind. Or maybe I'll just get out of everyone's way. But no. Now that I've gotten to the point where I can remember moments where I actually enjoy the act of living, I'm not willing to give it up so easily. Fuck.
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