April 7th, 2004



So, some of my faithful readers may be wondering why I haven't updated anything of substance of late. Things have been on the bad side of wonky here lately, and it's been difficult to put things into words.

Every couple of months or so, I sort of explode. I have an anxiety disorder, for which I have received treatment and is something that I've managed to control...for the most part. I have meds, but I don't have to take them every day anymore, just when I need them. "When I need them" is defined as when I know I'm going to be in situations that may make me anxious (meeting new people, spending time with 'meds' (people who will trigger anxiety in me), etc.). It's also defined as days when I wake up and I just feel like it's going to be a day where every little thing is going to set my teeth on edge, and I may just haul off and smack someone.

The last few weeks, I've been trying to convince myself that I don't *need* the meds. I do not want to be someone who needs meds in order to function. It's why I resisted getting on them in the first place, and why I started weaning myself off of them as soon as my therapist thought it was ok for me to do so. I'd been doing pretty well for a few months, now, so I didn't think it would be too bad.

WRONG. The last week or so, it's been building up, and I've been ignoring the signs. Tonight, Ma and I had the tiniest of spats, and I exploded. Exploding, for me, means hiding somewhere if I can (the shower is my preference) and having a long, loud sobfest punctuated by a few shrieks and a lot of swearing. Give me a little time (hour or less, these days - a year ago, it would be days), and I'll be much better. Usually, it helps to have a long talk afterwards, too.

Y'know, I haven't the faintest idea why I'm writing this here. Maybe as a cautionary tale of sorts - if I'm around you, and suddenly snap your head off or need to get the hell out of dodge, it's best to just let me go, and not make a big deal out of it. *shrug* Maybe it's just to write this down for myself, so that the next time I'm at this point, I won't be as hyper-critical of myself (a lot of the swearing and such is aimed at me, and how idiotic, etc., I am), but will remember that it will pass.
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