February 2nd, 2006

Tattoo

One of these days...

First, I'd like to make a confession. I listen to - and enjoy - country music.

*waits for the flurry of un-friending to subside*

I don't tend to buy too much of it anymore, but there were a few years there where country CDs were the only kind I bought. During this point, I picked up Tim McGraw's Everywhere. I listened to it for the first time at night, while trying to sleep, while I was in high school. Junior or senior year, I can't quite remember which - I just remember it was when things were getting bad. Really, really, incredibly depressingly would seem like melodrama only it wasn't quite or at least that's what it felt like at the time bad.

One of the last tracks on the CD is a song called "One of These Days." Listening to that, I ended up bursting into tears. The last verse runs something like this: "One of these days I'm gonna love me/And feel the joy of sweet release./One of these days I'll rise above me/And at last I'll find some peace." It continues from there, but those are the lines that made me cry - because I didn't know what that felt like anymore, and I ached for it. I know all teenagers have their own versions of melodrama and things that tear their world apart for awhile, and I know that, at the time, they are the worst things that could ever happen. And I'm not really going to say that things for me were worse than the average kid (admittedly, losing my father when I was 17 was pretty much the big breaking point), or rather, the average kid whose brain chemistry is screwed.

At any rate. I'd put the CD on the StephiePod, and kinda forgot about it from there. I tend to listen to either playlists or all the songs on random, so everything comes up a surprise. Today, "One of These Days" was the big surprise. And I managed to surprise myself as well, because I realized something. "One of These Days" had come, at least in part. I do love me. And somewhere along the lines, there was a sweet release. It comes and goes, some days, but I'm not sliding. I'm on level ground for now, and any bumps in the road are just...bumps. They're not the ditches and chasms they once were.

"And then I'll sigh a little/And maybe even laugh a little but/One of these days/I'm gonna love me."
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