Then I get an email from Eric, saying he's feeling poorly and he doesn't know if he'll be able to make it through the day at work. For those of you who don't know Eric, that means he's feeling REALLY badly - he'll do just about anything to avoid missing work. That, combined with the aforementioned dregs of nightmares, has led to me being in a state of near-panic and worry all day.
I remember watching my mother when my dad passed away. In one moment, her partner was gone, and her life was flipped upside down. I was the one who had to convince her that it was true, that my brother wouldn't have called to tell us if he didn't think it was true, and Rich was an EMT - he would know. I had to watch as she realized, little by little, how much everything had changed, and all the little practical things that she never thought she'd have to deal with. The moment I knew that she'd accepted that he was gone was when she whispered that she didn't even know where he wanted to be buried. There were plans to be made, clothes to buy, calls to make, planes to catch...She pulled through with admirable grace and strength. I, however, did not. I collapsed, I lost it, I was gone, and I wanted nothing more than to be completely gone, to not feel anything anymore, if it meant I didn't have to feel the pain.
I've always had a feeling that, by the time it's my time to die, I will be alone. For a long time, I thought that meant that I wouldn't have anyone to love me (I was a teenager, and would have been an emo one had such terms been in use at the time - staple hand to forehead and sigh, and all that). Now, I know that I'll have (with luck) many many years with someone who loves me, but somehow, he won't be there at the end. Women in my family tend to outlive their men, by quite a margin - my grandfather passed away 26 years ago, and Grandma's still going strong. I'm terrified of being in that position. And part of me is worried that I won't get those years in between, that I won't have the chance to discover every nuance and quirk. The idea of not spending my life with this man is painful.
I'm trying to enjoy every day I have with him, but the fear that this will be the last day is overwhelming, some days. I know that there are many things I need to do, that I should be doing things differently, etc. etc. I'm not asking for advice. I just...needed to get this out.