Setaú úta (setauuta) wrote,
Setaú úta

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Vaguely discontented

"I'm as restless as a willow in a windstorm..."

I'm not entirely sure what's wrong. Well, that's not true - I'm not sure how to express what's wrong. On paper, my life is pretty damned good. I've got a job that pays better than anything I've ever had before, I've recently moved into a faboo new apartment, I'm married to a marvelous, wonderful, fantabulous man, I have friends to laugh with and kitties to snuggle and enough money to keep me from feeling broke. Not only that, but the people in my office love me, and they seem to think I'm doing a marvelous job.

The problem? Well...I grew up reading books like Anne of Green Gables and Little Women. Books about women who did something impressive, fulfilled a dream or two, and then settled down with their knight in shining armour and raised a family and did all that good housewife-y stuff. I realize that, for the time periods in which those books are set, women needed to be independant to fulfill their dreams, and that once they were married, that was it - it was home and hearth and that's that. I know that's not the case now. I don't think that being married is my problem.

At the same time, I feel like I skipped a step somewhere. It's not that I don't think Eric would support me in whatever I want to do, but the financial situation...if I were to do something that keeps me from working full-time, things stop being comfortable. Things start getting tight and uncomfortable and...well, it'd still be manageable, but not without a lot of sacrifice. We've done it before, when we were both unemployed, and we survived. But that was only for a few months - if I were to, say, go back to school for my MLIS, or just try working in a library, or try my hand as a translator (all of which are ideas that have been floating around for a few years), it wouldn't just be a few months. We're talking a few years before we'd get back to a comfortable place. It strikes me as incredibly selfish to put us in that situation for my sake.

I'm not worried about emotional support, because I know I'm well covered in that respect. I'm worried about putting us in a tight spot. And, honestly, I hated every second of being in the uncomfortable place financially. It's not just that I don't want to put US in that spot - I, personally, don't want to go there, either. At the same time, I'm pretty sure I'm not going to be content in bankruptcy law for the rest of my life. I *could* do it, and do it fairly well, but that doesn't mean it won't kill my soul.

I need to change something. Right now, it feels like it's a decision between my emotional health and our physical security, and I don't want to make that decision. But if things stay as they are...I'm more exhausted than I've ever been, and I've worked much harder than this before. I'm losing interest in a lot of things. Basically, I'm becoming depressed, and it's not all my screwy brain chemistry (though I know that has something to do with it). There has to be a compromise, there HAS to be. And at the same time, I keep hearing my mother's voice, telling me that I just need to deal. I have a job that pays the bills, and I'm responsible for more than myself now, so I need to stop being selfish and just do what keeps us...comfortable, I guess. After all, she did.

A note: I'm NOT asking for advice right now. I need support, not to hear what I should do or what I need to do or what I ought to do. Please. Suggestions are fine, if you can come up with some ideas that will help, but please, please, please, don't tell me what I should do. That word...there is much hatred for that word.
Tags: venting, work
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