Setaú úta (setauuta) wrote,
Setaú úta

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Feel free to ignore this entry

Thank heavens for ethernet, and the dorms. How else would I be able to log on at 2:30 in the morning and update here whilst listening to my mp3s, and know that I'm not waking anyone up?

So why am I writing again, you may ask? Good question. For some reason, I'm hitting a low point. I hate these points. They're the kind of moods where I would end up feeling better if I talked to someone or just cuddled up with someone, but the stuff I would talk to them about would leave me feeling stupid and them feeling frustrated at my lack of confidence (in myself, in others - both being key irrational insecurities that pop up in these moods) and their inability to really say much that'll make me change my mind.

Snood break. Anywho. It was this kind of low point, driven mostly by some sort of intense loneliness, that led me to the chatrooms in high school. I got fairly addicted for awhile there, particularly the summer after my father died. I never really talked about what was bothering me in there, either, but it was a chance to just talk for awhile, to some open forum of people I knew I wouldn't ever met, and were hard to disappoint, given their lack of expectations from people they met in those room. I even ended up having a few extremely short-lived "online romances", whatever that really means. What it means is that I needed someone to communicate with so much that I was willing to ruin sleep for months at a time and destroy my eyesight for some words that appeared on a computer screen.

I'm almost wanting to find another chatroom. I never have this desire when I'm in a more normal state of mind - I remember the problems they caused in the past. But now, when I feel like there isn't anyone in the world to talk to, I almost want to prove to myself that I'm wrong - there are people in the world to talk to, I just can't do it face to face.

I'm honestly not sure where I expected this entry to go. I know I'm at the point of feeling foolish for expecting people to act like I was an integral part of their lives around here, ignoring the fact that, for the most part, a lot of them have been. I always did want too much from people. Oh, good grief, let's not get to the self-flagellation - my arms are really tired right now.

Thus ends the random ramblings, and the reason for the title of this entry. As for what I'm going to do now, I haven't the froggiest.
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