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Not doing well

I wish I could put into words what's wrong. I feel myself sliding down that damned slippery slope of depression - well, it's been five years or so since my last major depression, apparently that's as long as I can go without starting up again. I can't tell if a big part of my problem is my job, or if I'm having trouble with my job because of the depression. Either way, it's not getting any easier, but I made a promise to my supervisor and manager that I would do my best not to call out anymore for the rest of the year, since my attendance has been abyssmal this year. It's been keeping me getting up and going every day, no matter how much I want to stay home, but I'm using up all my reserves by...well, by about this time of day. It's amazing how much effort it takes to maintain some semblance of an interest in what's going on, and hiding the pain from the headaches. I know I need to get back into the doctor's office to try something else, but honestly, I'm afraid to - my last experience with the neurologist has made me a little gun-shy.

I'm losing interest in a lot of things, and this has me really worried. I haven't been to Game Night in...two months? Something like that. I have a solid idea for NaNo, for once, but I haven't finished the prep work I need to before I can write anything. (For those who are interested, the idea is a cross between Dungeons and Dragons and Top Chef - a show called "Master Adventurer.") I need to finish generating the characters and come up with the challenges, but I'm having a hard time working up the gumption to do so. Hell, I'm even having a hard time finishing this entry. Before anyone gets too worried, I'm not as bad as I was five years ago - I do want to live, and I do want to keep it together. I haven't holed up at home for days at a time, or lost it completely in front of people of authority (I still cringe, remembering my crying jag in front of my directing class professor). I have Eric to thank for a lot of that, and I'm incredibly grateful to him for that.

I just want to get through this so I can be back to who and what I was before. This is getting old.

Comments

fairoriana
Oct. 27th, 2007 06:40 pm (UTC)
I'm so sorry. I hope you find your interest, equilibrium and joy again.

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