I've betrayed this one and that one by having a life outside of the dorm that doesn't include them, by wanting to spend a lot of time with Matt, by doing things that they don't want to do and having friends they don't want to have. I've reacted to their apparent lack of desire to care about me, which was a reaction to my apparent lack of desire to care about them.
And it took one of them leaving to bring all of this out.
This, on top of my usual reaction to being sick, which is to isolate myself and not be around people in general, which is causing Matt to feel a bit neglected, is not what I need. I brought it all on myself, but dammit, I don't have time for this. It's almost enough to make me just want to hide in the library again and cut off all social contact - I simply don't have time for this. Plus, it would help keep me from blowing up at people like I did yesterday - a well meaning friend tried to tell me to take care of myself, and I had to walk away before either bursting into tears or just screaming at her to leave me alone. Nobody needs that.
Or energy. This illness is kicking my ass, and there really isn't any way to slow down and take proper care of myself. I have quals to study for, classes to go to and prepare for, a show to stage manage...when all I really want to do is curl up into a little ball and sleep away most of the next week.