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There are few things in the world I hate as much as I do seeing my mother cry. I've only seen it a few times in my life, but that's more than enough.

This afternoon, she and I went out to get something to eat, and to get me to sign the card for the gift for my brother's child (the baby shower's next week, I think). We started talking about how we wanted to figure out when exactly we wanted to go visit them - apparently, Rich had told mom at some point that he wasn't sure if he wanted her to come out when Emilee is born (this June). So mom said she wouldn't come. Now, he really wants her to come out. He also wanted to come out here in November, and then have us visit him for Christmas. That's an awful lot of money to be spending - we live on opposite coasts, and Rich's never been all that great about money to begin with, and now with the baby...That's just not feasible.

He called my mom at her work to tell her he wanted her to come to Maryland for the baby's birth. He misses us - a lot. They're still in Maryland mostly because her family is out there, etc. and so forth. And I know he really wants to see us - he actually talked to me the other night online, which just doesn't happen normally. Mom suddenly started crying when she was telling me about it. He misses us, and there's only one reason why we aren't there.

Me. At the school I am now.

If I'd stayed in Maryland, he'd be happier. But I don't know if I would be. Here, I'm happy - I've found a real "home", for the first time in my life. So what's more important - my family's happiness, keeping my brother off of anti-depressants and out of abusive relationships, steering him away from the alcoholism that runs in the family - or my happiness, keeping me from therapy and depression, and giving me a true home?

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xtiana
Apr. 19th, 2002 05:17 am (UTC)
I'm sorry you're in such a tough spot, but it seems kind of unfair that your brother expects you guys to just move over by him (or constantly visit) without considering how it will affect you. Maybe you should talk to him about it and explain that you're in school right now and that makes it a little harder to visit or move there.

Sometimes, we have to make ourselves happy before we can help others.
(Anonymous)
Apr. 19th, 2002 09:14 pm (UTC)
Oh hon... ::bighugehonkinhugs:: Xtania does have a point - you can't take care of anyone else until you're taken care of yourself. Trust me on this one - remember that day I couldn't keep any food down 'cos I was giving too much to Poofy the day before? No good! Just remember I love you and hopefully your brother will realize the spot he's putting all of y'all in (and maybe having a kid will even be enough of a boot to the head to get him to take care of his moneys better). Good luck. :* ~pict
(Anonymous)
Apr. 23rd, 2002 12:38 am (UTC)
I'm going to have to agree with both the other two. I know it's hard to ignore the guilt, but try to remember that, no matter what else your heart may prompt, you can't help anyone else until you are secure and happy. Giving and giving of yourself until you are spent will only mean that you have given others a crutch to depend on, and when that crutch disappears (i.e. you break down) *everyone* is worse off.
I hope that this makes sense. Hang in there, dear - you only have a year left to go, and then you can really settle down and help your brother, your mom, and everyone else that your sweet, overly-generous heart tells you that you ought.

-you can probably guess
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