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1AM and still awake

I haven't been sleeping for crap for the last few...days? Weeks, more like it. Well, not without a sleep aid or three, and that's not really a road I want to go down again. You'd think that I would be able to fall asleep a bit more easily when I'm this tired, but no. At least I don't have to get up in 5 hours - I'm going in to work for a bit, but not until 9.

I have to admit, one of the entertaining things that happens when I'm tired but not sleepy is the random near-dreams I have. Tonight, President Obama came to GenCon and I taught him Dungeon Twister. He then proceeded to stomp the hell out of me, probably at least in part due to the fact that part of me was jumping up and down and squealing "I'm playing DT with the President OMGWTFBBQ!!1!". It was very odd.

Been pondering a bit, too. Feeling a bit less like myself, if that makes any sense. I think that part of it is that I keep comparing myself now to myself in college, which isn't really fair. Myself in college didn't really know what the hell she was doing. On the other hand, she was doing it as hard as she could. I was so busy trying to cram as much into those four years as I could, because, well...I keep having a line from the musical "Chicago" pop into my mind - "I'm older than I ever intended to be."

See, growing up, I knew I'd end up going to college. That much was a given. What wasn't a given, however, was what was supposed to happen after that. I don't think I ever planned or even thought that far ahead. By the time I was graduating, a good number of my friends had a fairly clear idea of where they were heading, or, at least, what direction. I...I needed a job. Any job. That's pretty much the family motto, and it's been my way of thinking since I was 15 and got my first job. And sure, I applied to UW Library Sciences program, but I didn't get accepted. And now?

And now. Now...I'm not even sure how to describe myself anymore, other than as Eric's wife. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely love being Eric's wife. But, well, that's kind of all I am anymore. I know I let myself get into that role - it gives me the perfect excuse not to try. I can't spend time unemployed while looking for a job I love, because I need to take care of us. I can't start taking classes again or think about grad school, because we can't afford it, and there's not really a way to work it around our schedule. I can't look into getting back into theater, because the rehearsal schedule would never work with us. And on and on. And just to be clear, I am not blaming Eric for any of this. I did it to myself.

I know that part of making a marriage work is to look towards what's best for the family, not just for yourself. I'm just starting to fear that I've taken that to an extreme that means I...I don't have a "myself" anymore. it scares me. To be perfectly honest, I fully expected to be dead by now. I never really expected to live through college. 'Course, I almost didn't, but that's beside the point. I'm at a point I didn't really expect or even want to be - I need him, and I would be completely devastated if anything were to happen to him. It makes me super paranoid and worried all the time. I'm terrified I'm going to run him off, which is probably part of the reason why I try not to do anything that'll change things too much - the boy hates change with a passion. I swore to myself after my father died, and after I almost went after him, that I would never put myself in a position to feel that kind of pain of loss again. I lied.

Ugh. This is what happens when it's 1:30 in the morning and I'm still awake and getting maudlin and stupid. I'm going to try that whole "sleep" thing again. Wish me luck.


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Jan. 10th, 2009 09:41 am (UTC)
I think I know what you mean. I often find myself wondering where the old Sami went... and when I'm going to start taking responsibility for my life and do all that settling down kinda stuff. You think I'd be ready for that by now.

Also, have you tried taking Valerian tablets for sleep? They work for me, you get them from health food stores here.
Jan. 10th, 2009 12:36 pm (UTC)

There's a whole mess of "sleep hygiene" stuff I can send you if you like.
Jan. 10th, 2009 02:11 pm (UTC)
Big hugs--- I hate the middle of the night "my life is not going the way I want it" conversation with myself. I hope things get better.
Jan. 10th, 2009 02:30 pm (UTC)
I swore to myself after my father died, and after I almost went after him, that I would never put myself in a position to feel that kind of pain of loss again. I lied.

That is almost always a lie. And thank god, because can you imagine the alternative?
Jan. 10th, 2009 07:25 pm (UTC)
But part of what is good and healthy for a marriage/for a family is for everyone in the family to do things they care about for their own reasons, too, if only to avoid resentment. (And I don't necessarily mean resentment of the other people in the family, but of the situation.) This is definitely something Phil and I have had to work hard on--I know we're both in school and all, but chances are I will end up taking whatever job I can get near him once he gets a job. It's my choice, but I still need to walk a very careful line to keep from resenting family for it.

Take care. Good luck.
Jan. 11th, 2009 08:08 am (UTC)
so, i chose an odd time to reappear on lj.

i know nothing about making a marriage work, but i know that while eric may hate change with the violent fury of a thousand suns he loves you infinitely more. if a couple of changes are going to make you happier, i'd put serious money on you having his support (barring changes of insanity, of course). you as a person happier is a good thing and stands a decent shot at making you as a couple happier as well.

unrelatedly, excuses are complicated. many of them are perfectly valid, and you are absolutely right. but a couple of them may be keeping you from letting others know about the amazing person you are, and that kind of sucks for people at large. i'm crap at pep talks and the whole optimism thing, but i guess i think you should start trying again when you feel up to it because it would be a good thing, even if it doesn't pan out all the time y'know?

i'll just step down off my soap-box and return to obscurity now.
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