I have to admit, one of the entertaining things that happens when I'm tired but not sleepy is the random near-dreams I have. Tonight, President Obama came to GenCon and I taught him Dungeon Twister. He then proceeded to stomp the hell out of me, probably at least in part due to the fact that part of me was jumping up and down and squealing "I'm playing DT with the President OMGWTFBBQ!!1!". It was very odd.
Been pondering a bit, too. Feeling a bit less like myself, if that makes any sense. I think that part of it is that I keep comparing myself now to myself in college, which isn't really fair. Myself in college didn't really know what the hell she was doing. On the other hand, she was doing it as hard as she could. I was so busy trying to cram as much into those four years as I could, because, well...I keep having a line from the musical "Chicago" pop into my mind - "I'm older than I ever intended to be."
See, growing up, I knew I'd end up going to college. That much was a given. What wasn't a given, however, was what was supposed to happen after that. I don't think I ever planned or even thought that far ahead. By the time I was graduating, a good number of my friends had a fairly clear idea of where they were heading, or, at least, what direction. I...I needed a job. Any job. That's pretty much the family motto, and it's been my way of thinking since I was 15 and got my first job. And sure, I applied to UW Library Sciences program, but I didn't get accepted. And now?
And now. Now...I'm not even sure how to describe myself anymore, other than as Eric's wife. Don't get me wrong - I absolutely love being Eric's wife. But, well, that's kind of all I am anymore. I know I let myself get into that role - it gives me the perfect excuse not to try. I can't spend time unemployed while looking for a job I love, because I need to take care of us. I can't start taking classes again or think about grad school, because we can't afford it, and there's not really a way to work it around our schedule. I can't look into getting back into theater, because the rehearsal schedule would never work with us. And on and on. And just to be clear, I am not blaming Eric for any of this. I did it to myself.
I know that part of making a marriage work is to look towards what's best for the family, not just for yourself. I'm just starting to fear that I've taken that to an extreme that means I...I don't have a "myself" anymore. it scares me. To be perfectly honest, I fully expected to be dead by now. I never really expected to live through college. 'Course, I almost didn't, but that's beside the point. I'm at a point I didn't really expect or even want to be - I need him, and I would be completely devastated if anything were to happen to him. It makes me super paranoid and worried all the time. I'm terrified I'm going to run him off, which is probably part of the reason why I try not to do anything that'll change things too much - the boy hates change with a passion. I swore to myself after my father died, and after I almost went after him, that I would never put myself in a position to feel that kind of pain of loss again. I lied.
Ugh. This is what happens when it's 1:30 in the morning and I'm still awake and getting maudlin and stupid. I'm going to try that whole "sleep" thing again. Wish me luck.