Setaú úta (setauuta) wrote,
Setaú úta

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Things are...not great. Work is fine, Eric remains wonderful. The problem is with me.

I've fought with major depression for years, and have twice hit rock bottom. The first time was my senior year of high school, and I was completely unprepared. I had fought with moments of feeling "low" since I was a kid, but that was the first time it got to something...worse. I was terrified, and it's actually difficult to remember details about that time - it's like everything was in a fog. The second time was my senior year of college, and I saw what was happening when it started happening. I tried to stop the decent in its tracks, and it didn't work. Again, much of that time is foggy, though I think in that case, it was due at least in part to the cycle of medications I went through.

I'm afraid I'm starting to go down that road again. I've noticed that I'm starting to get disportionately upset about unimportant things, and I'm having a hard time finding joy in the things I love. Everything seems to be either impossible or pointless. I gave up on ScriptFrenzy early on, and feel certain that writing is not in my future. Neither is acting, translating, dance, any kind of art...see, this is what I'm talking about.

I'm scared. I've seen how low I can get, and I'm scared. I'm also afraid to say anything about it, particularly to Eric. The last time I saw myself going down this road, I was honest with the people closest to me and I tried to get help in time. Within a month, the boy I loved told me he didn't like who he was around me and my psychiatrist (psychologist? The one prescribing the meds) told me I had no right to be around anyone, that I was being selfish to talk about my issues with my friends. Needless to say, this has made me wary of seeking help from my friends. I can't lose everyone again, even temporarily. The idea of going on the cycle of medications also makes me nervous, as I don't know that I ever found anything that actually worked - I found things that kept me from wanting to die, but they didn't leave me with the desire to live. Or for anything, really - it seemed like the best way to keep me from hurting was to keep me from feeling anything, and I'm not willing to do that again. I don't know what I'm going to do.

I know that you all care about me, and that I've probably just made you all worry about me a lot. Please - right now, I'm trying to figure this out for myself. I can't drag everybody down with me again. I know some of you are chomping at the bit to give a ton of well-meaning advice. Please - I'm incredibly oversensitive right now, and I will probably take things the wrong way. Just...i'm probably making a mountain out of a molehill, as per usual, so don't freak out too much. I've been here before, and I'm sure I'll be here again, but I'll get through. I always do.
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