Setaú úta (setauuta) wrote,
Setaú úta

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State of Steph

I'm realizing that I'm not really doing well. Again. I've realized that I haven't really posted anywhere (here, Twitter, etc.) much lately because almost every time I got to post, I remember that a) nobody cares and b) not many people are actually reading what I write, anyway. I've been tempted to shut down all of my accounts and just take myself offline completely.

So, y'know, that's the kind of head space I'm in right now.

I'm realizing that there are a lot of things I'm not. I'm thirty years old, and I've fallen into a career I wasn't looking for, and while I enjoy it, it's not exactly where I expected to be at this point. I'm a writer who doesn't write, an actor who doesn't act, a dancer who doesn't dance.

I think I'm having a hard time giving up what I did in college. I never really expected to live this long, to be honest - I could always imagine going to college, but I never saw beyond that. I'm still in that frame of mind, I think, because I don't really know what's going to happen in the next few years - I can't imagine it.

Eric and I have been talking about kids for awhile now. We've been sorta-kinda trying for a little over a year, and so far, nothing. I keep going back and forth about whether or not this is a great idea or the worst idea in the history of ever. Anyone who knows what our apartment looks like knows that we aren't really all that organized, and the idea of bringing a child into our home terrifies me. I have a ton of reasons why we shouldn't have kids, and no real reasons why we should - and yet, I still cry every month when I realize it's not happening yet.

Overall, I'm just not sure what I'm doing anymore. I don't really have a direction, I just feel like I'm trying to maintain the status quo. Also, I feel like I have absolutely no room to complain - I have a good job, a fantastic husband, and my life is good. It's part of why I don't post anywhere - there's no point in complaining about things when other people have things so much worse.

I don't know what I'm doing, or where I'm going anymore, and frankly, I'm not sure I care anymore.
Tags: state of steph, whine, whining
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