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State of Steph

I'm realizing that I'm not really doing well. Again. I've realized that I haven't really posted anywhere (here, Twitter, etc.) much lately because almost every time I got to post, I remember that a) nobody cares and b) not many people are actually reading what I write, anyway. I've been tempted to shut down all of my accounts and just take myself offline completely.

So, y'know, that's the kind of head space I'm in right now.

I'm realizing that there are a lot of things I'm not. I'm thirty years old, and I've fallen into a career I wasn't looking for, and while I enjoy it, it's not exactly where I expected to be at this point. I'm a writer who doesn't write, an actor who doesn't act, a dancer who doesn't dance.

I think I'm having a hard time giving up what I did in college. I never really expected to live this long, to be honest - I could always imagine going to college, but I never saw beyond that. I'm still in that frame of mind, I think, because I don't really know what's going to happen in the next few years - I can't imagine it.

Eric and I have been talking about kids for awhile now. We've been sorta-kinda trying for a little over a year, and so far, nothing. I keep going back and forth about whether or not this is a great idea or the worst idea in the history of ever. Anyone who knows what our apartment looks like knows that we aren't really all that organized, and the idea of bringing a child into our home terrifies me. I have a ton of reasons why we shouldn't have kids, and no real reasons why we should - and yet, I still cry every month when I realize it's not happening yet.

Overall, I'm just not sure what I'm doing anymore. I don't really have a direction, I just feel like I'm trying to maintain the status quo. Also, I feel like I have absolutely no room to complain - I have a good job, a fantastic husband, and my life is good. It's part of why I don't post anywhere - there's no point in complaining about things when other people have things so much worse.


I don't know what I'm doing, or where I'm going anymore, and frankly, I'm not sure I care anymore.

Comments

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redsouffle
Sep. 5th, 2011 03:08 am (UTC)
1.I am reading this using John's cellphone internets in Canada, that is how much I care. For realz.
2. Hire an organizer? Seriously there are people who do this shit professionally, with the intent of making it easier for you guys to do it day-to-day. Life coaching and all that.
3. I doubt most people get to do what they thought they were going to do after college. That's the only explanation for all the philosophy majors.
fairoriana
Sep. 5th, 2011 10:01 am (UTC)
I'm sorry - it sounds like you're in a tough space. I hope you become more satisfied with yourself and your life.
trilliumgrl
Sep. 5th, 2011 11:58 am (UTC)
I hear ya. Stupid brain chemicals. *hugs*

That said, why do you have to give up what you did in college? Yes, a day job is necessary for keeping roof over head and food on table, but there are other hours in the day. Take a dance class, audition for a community production, if it makes you happy, go for it. Heck I'm still skating even though I get my booty kicked just because I love to do it.

Not everyone has a picture of where they will be. I don't, not really. Sometimes this freaks me out, but mostly, I just take it one day at a time and try and find what makes me happy.
jennekirby
Sep. 5th, 2011 05:31 pm (UTC)
Oh, I am very sorry to read this. It sounds like your brain-chemicals are not doing what they need to in order to help you feel good. I don't know what the answer is to that in your world, but I hope that you find a satisfactory way to make it better. I'd suggest dance, where possible; exercise is wonderful.

Talk to us! Even if you feel like you have "nothing to complain about"! We're here and we care.
alese
Sep. 8th, 2011 06:05 pm (UTC)
Please don't close accounts!
I don't read LJ very often, but when I do, I do read your posts. I think Trilliumgrl's advice makes a LOT of sense - you aren't defined by what you do. If one aspect of it's not making you happy, then go do things that will. Or at least try them, to see if they will.
For the flipside of your experience, I did an MA after Reed doing exactly what I thought I wanted to do, and then worked in it for two years...and it was miserable. I was miserable. And I wasn't very good at it, possibly because of the miserable, or possibly I was miserable because I wasn't very good. There was just a massive mismatch between the field I was interested in, and my personality, aptitudes, and interests - the stuff that makes you happy on a day to day basis in your job. Eventually, I got my ass fired - cue a massive personal, professional and even self-esteem crisis.
So what I've done the past two years is pursue a defined skill based job, editor, that doesn't stress me out, gives me a flexible schedule to do other cool stuff, and hopefully someday will even pay me decently. I'm currently trying to find more clients in the field I studied at Reed, to somehow keep my hand in that sector, even if actually working in it at the meat and potatoes of it bores and frustrates me. I went freelance last fall, and I do seem to be solvent a year on.
If you can find a dayjob that allows you to work to live (rather than live to work), then that's okay. You're a grownup now - you're allowed to organize your life however you want.
pict_shrink
Sep. 10th, 2011 11:54 am (UTC)
::big hugs!!!::
You are a fantastic person who deserves to be happy, in whatever way makes the most sense for you. I think you're completely wrong in saying nobody cares what you write. As for the number of people who read, it's quality not quantity, baby!
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