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So. I've been trying very hard to keep myself stable, and not get to the point where I was last semester. Basically, that means not letting myself get horribly emotional and forcing my presence on people who don't want it. Overall, I've been doing pretty well. There was one night where I needed to talk to someone, anyone, and of course, everyone was asleep, so I ended up sending a long email to my older brother. He and I don't really have what one might call a close relationship, so I'm guessing it was completely out of the blue for him that I would even email him, much less that it should be such a long, personal email. Really, in the end all I'm trying to do is keep from hating myself. I'm not honestly sure why I shouldn't, but it seems to me to be the best step toward recovery.

Problem. Every time I see Matt, and to a lesser extent Eric and AdriAnne, I'm reminded of every reason I have to hate myself. I was, and still am, a horrible, horrible person. I inflicted so much pain on them, and for what? No earthly good came of it - just the opposite, in fact. To be perfectly honest, I don't see any reason why I should still be here. But there must be something, right?

Comments

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leech
Feb. 9th, 2003 04:41 pm (UTC)
Causing others emotional distress doesn't make you a bad person by any means. (If it did, I don't think there'd be a single "good person" on this planet.)
knittinggoddess
Feb. 10th, 2003 07:35 pm (UTC)
I wholeheartedly agree with that, Lucy. People make mistakes. Even really shitty mistakes which fuck up relationships. But that doesn't mean that you ARE that mistake. You mean good things to other people, even if you don't get along with others. I don't know what happened between you and that group, but you are not a malicious person. The fact that you are regretful for what happened is a huge sign that you are truly a caring person.
Why are you still here? Because you still have a life to live, more people to meet and more people to care for. Life does not come without pain, but the joys vastly outweigh the pains.
Really.
saphriel
Feb. 10th, 2003 12:48 am (UTC)
still here
Well, I'm glad you're still here, because you're one of the people that keeps me going in tough times. Ari is right, you know. And no matter what you think, I don't think you are a horrible person. Everyone makes mistakes, and you've got to just say, "oops, I screwed up. I'll try to remember that for next time" and go improving step by step. No one is perfect. That's why we have forgiveness. Great invention, that forgiveness thing. You just have to learn about forgiving yourself, and sometimes that can be the hardest person to forgive.
I want to talk with you about this stuff. When are you free for a one-on-one?
And you know what? You happen to be one of the few people who I actually wouldn't mind being woken up by at 4 am (or whatever ungodly hour) if you needed a hug and someone to listen to you. I'm serious. Heaven knows how important it was to me that you were there for me last summer. The least I can do is to be here for you now. (And it's not like I ever sleep any more anyway.) :)
I love you. k.i.t.
banalapercu
Feb. 13th, 2003 12:35 am (UTC)
When I tell you that you can wake me up at any time, I damn well mean it. And yeah, agreeing with the above, everyone causes emotional pain. If I were evaluating myself on that scale, well, Jesus, I don't want to think about where I'd perceive myself.

I'm reading this now, but I'm not sure about putting it on my friends list. Let me know.
setauuta
Feb. 13th, 2003 08:49 am (UTC)
That's fine, you can add it to your friends list if you so desire.

*hugs*
(Anonymous)
Feb. 15th, 2003 03:57 pm (UTC)
Ditto what all those other people said. Plus you're still here because there are people who care about you and won't let you do anything stupid. Like me. You are my best friend and you mean the world to me. I love you. So :P!
~me :*
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