Setaú úta (setauuta) wrote,
Setaú úta

How very sad...

How pathetic. I'm in London, that cities of cities, the home of such culture, such history, and where have I spent most of my first weekend? Either in my flat, reading Agatha Christie and sleeping, or at a web cafe. I've yet to go out with my flatmates as they learn the fine art of sitting in pubs and getting drunk, and I've yet to go to any of the shows they've tried to go to because of my shaky finances and just lack of energy.

Is this how I'm destined to spend my time in London? Classes, home, reading or online? Hell, I could do that in Portland! In fact, I was doing that in Portland...and I'm a bit concerned about one of my flatmates. Clarissa seems to embody nearly every iota of shyness that I try to hide, and she seems to want to spend a lot of time with me. Given that the other three flatmates are much more social butterflies than we are, that's natural, but still. I'm a bit uncomfortable around her, because I can see myself in her so much. I don't want to give that impression - hiding in the bedroom when people come over, stuttering her way through words, needing to repeat things two or three times because her voice is so soft, basically everything I was when I started high school. She comes from a small town, so this whole big city thing is scaring her a bit, and apparently I have some aura of "strength" about me - she's used that word several times when talking about my life. How I've moved around so much, etc. And I get the feeling she had some kind of...I don't know what with one of the girls in the program that she seems to know from school. I don't really know anything about what's going on, and she's so very shy, I'd be afraid to ask her. I think that's the thing - her shyness is so obvious, so blatent, so everything I don't want mine to be. It makes me reconsider every word I say, everything I do, to see if I come off the same way. I detest that kind of self(ish)-introspection, when it's solely for the purpose of making oneself look better to others.

In other news...I find it immensely amusing that I had to go to London in order to hear Bruce Springsteen's "Born in the USA" being piped into a web cafe. It ranks right up there with the bookstore I stumbled upon, selling Harry Potter books, a few toys, aromatherapy candles, notecards, edible underwear and a Beginner's Bondage kit. That, and the fact that one of the running ads on this computer is for a clothing site of sorts, specializing in Bridal, Leather, Menswear, and Plus Sizes. The commas are my addition - they just flash the various words one after the other. Those crazy Brits...

Tomorrow I meet people. Tomorrow I put on a persona of...somebody. Tomorrow, I do silly things like wear makeup and wear something other than jeans. Tomorrow, I hope to undo whatever hermit reputation I may ahve created this past weekend.
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