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Reports

Conquering Canada

Our quest began on a drizzly Sunday morning. We started out, four starry-eyed Reed students, with one mission in mind – to conquer Canada in the name of Reed College. Specifically, the towns of Chilliwack and Spuzzum were our goals, chosen for their cool names and vicinity to Vancouver. After all, what else were we going to do on spring break?
We encountered our first obstacle within hours of setting out – Canadian Border Patrol. Our fearless leader (and owner of the car) was taken into a back room and interrogated mercilessly, whilst we, her comrades in arms, could do nothing but sit and wait. She was fingerprinted and suspected of stealing the car, simply because it was registered in her father’s name. Finally we were sent to a different border patrol station, where we would talk to immigration. On the way out, we met the CBP’s American counterpart, who told us to inform the immigration officer of our plight, "blah blah blah, state of alert, blah blah blah." scribe's note: this was the day before Bush's latest stupid- I mean, ultimatum.
We arrived at the immigration office and, after being commended for "fighting the good fight" and given a recommendation for a restaurant, were on our way. First stop, Chilliwack. Our conquest there was brief but intense, as we fled across a highway to reach the Chilliwack sign and search unsuccessfully for the famed Chilli Bowl. A similarly brief conquest occurred in Spuzzum, a town consisting of a sign post. Our battles won, we ended the day in Vancouver, riding valiantly into the tequila sunset.
Day Two began early, as we smote a continental breakfast before setting out to find new bounty for our empire. We conquered a mural and a "World of Science," as they call it, as well as a fountainous park. After appropriately feeding the parking droid to obtain one hour and 28 minutes, we enjoyed a quiet respite in the Chinese gardens. Then, due to the grace of the parking droid, we used our excess time to conquer Chinatown, marching and singing spiritedly through the streets. With Vancouver thoroughly vanquished, we set out to conquer Vancouver’s most notorious minion – Squamish.
We were banned from the toilettes for not being "paid customers." After a perilous journey across highway 99, we found repose for our distraught bladders. While there, we conquered the falls adjacent, because hey, why not? We then continued merrily on to our next conquests, a snowbank and sign in the town of Squamish. The sign represented a true turning point in our quest, a true joint effort.
At the time of this report, we are returning surreptitiously with our giant chickens and other assorted loot, to our beloved empire, Reed.

Lindsay Pour, car thief and fearless leader
Sean Kelly, navigator
Brian Moore, grunt
Stephanie Wood, humble scribe

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