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Getting the hell out of Dodge

That's what I should be doing, at least. I'm back at Reed momentarily - I had to drop off Erin's spare key, since she's back from Texas. I was watching her cat whilst she was gone. Now, I'm back in the Reed library, my former home-away-from-dorm, and it just feels wrong.

I started getting a huge knot in my stomach just driving over here. I really, really shouldn't be here, it feels like - I hate going back. I don't belong here anymore - there's no place for me. I feel like Tim did my freshman year, when he was terrified that no one would even notice once he left. The difference being, of course, that I made sure to prove him wrong, whereas that isn't so much the case this time. I know, I know.

I feel like I desperately need to move on. I feel like I need to just plain move - a new city, new life, new people, maybe that's what I need now. This chapter of my life is closed, and it's never going to heal if I keep coming back here and picking at it. Yes, a lot of this anxiety has to do with Matt - I'm terrified of running into him here, and realizing yet again that while breaking up with me was the worst thing in the world for me, it was the best thing he could have done for himself.

OK. I'm done, for the moment. Please, please, please, everyone - don't tell me what I should be doing, or why I shouldn't be feeling the way I do. I'm not looking for advice, I just need to vent.

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May 2015


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