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Ah, brain chemistry

Well, the past couple of days have been loads of fun, let me tell you. I tried weaning myself off my meds again, and I can't win. If I don't take them, I get depressed. If I do, I get irritable. Yesterday, I learned that I need them in order to function at all, really. I lost it when talking to my mother, and she reacted in a way that was much akin to how Matt reacted to me at the end. I can't control how I feel, I overreact to the least little thing, and everything seems to make things worse. To top it off, I talked to my best friend from high school a couple of days ago, and learned that while I was contemplating suicide, she was downing a bottle of codeine. She's been on her meds (for manic-depressive disorder) for so long that if she tries to go off of them, then she is prone to seizures. The very idea frightens me, because I can't stand the idea of becoming that dependent upon my meds; however, given the last couple of days, it looks that my dependency is growing.

Goddammit. What's wrong with me? Why can't I get over this? Why can't I be normal? Am I going to be forced to push away everyone that meets me? My own mother, for God's sake. She walked away from me. WALKED AWAY. And I can't control it. I can't control my own fucking life. My own reactions, emotions. Fuck. Maybe the one therapist is right, and I need to be put away for the safety of mankind. Or maybe I'll just get out of everyone's way. But no. Now that I've gotten to the point where I can remember moments where I actually enjoy the act of living, I'm not willing to give it up so easily. Fuck.


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Jul. 12th, 2003 10:50 pm (UTC)
long babble
*hugs* i understand...

i've been nonfunctional, i've been put away, i've been given up on by at least one mental health professional who was just relieved to have me institutionalized. i was on antipsychotics and antidepressants for four and a half years. i couldn't live without them.

and you know what? eventually it really does get better. i know how it is... i was deathly impatient for it to be better, for me to be functional without my meds. it seemed like if it hadn't happened by now, it wasn't going to happen. but it really does happen when you least expect it. you have to be functional on the meds for quite some time before you can wean off of them, and God, i know how frustrating that is... but as a certifiably, legally insane chick who's now functional and off meds, i'm here to say that you will be, too, someday. don't hurry it, or you won't be able to enjoy it and it won't be anything more than clinging desperately to thin strands of a survival instinct. you have to actively enjoy living before you can try to change the chemicals...

ergh, i hate this.

i love you. hang in there. we should hang out and exchange hugs sometime.

Jul. 16th, 2003 01:17 pm (UTC)
i hear what your saying and feel what youre feeling.

i think you know most of my story already... if not, brief description, clinically depressed, anxiety disorder. i couldnt take it anymore. i got the help i needed last december, including getting on meds. ok so i have been on them for 8 months now. since i started my dosage has doubled. with the consent of the shrink of course. i was just saying yesterday, as i do most days, i want to be off them. i dont like taking them. i feel tired all the time, mentally dull. i dont want sex. this sucks. but i have tried not taking them, and i just loose my shit.
i want to just be normal so bad... i dont want to be on meds the rest of my life.
Jul. 16th, 2003 05:25 pm (UTC)
I love you always babe. And no matter how far away, I'm always here for you. Always.


~me :*
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