Then I went to a play with a bunch of people from the program, including three of my four flatmates (*not* Clarissa, thank heavens), and enjoyed the show immensely. It was the group dynamic before and after that I didn't enjoy - I felt like I was thrown back into high school. I don't know who I am here. I'm not...cute, for one thing, which is one of my defining characteristics at school. Here, though, I'm nothing, it seems. I blend into the woodwork quite easily. And, being picky as I always am, I don't want the attentions of the one person seemingly willing to give them to me, but only from those whose lives I've left completely unaffected. I talk and talk about nothing, hoping to draw closer to them and succeeding only in pushing them farther away. When will I learn to shut up?
I'm doing the same thing with Bret, too, I feel - I ended up calling him a second time after the show, completely unable to explain to myself or him why I felt compelled to call him. I felt like I needed to hear the voice of someone who gave a damn about me, because I certainly wasn't hearing that around here. I still feel the need for a good cry, and I hate it. I despise myself for being so weak. I'm going to have to live my life alone in the end, and I know it - so why the hell can't I figure that out and stop being so damned dependent on people? Why do I keep having to reassure myself that someone cares? Whether they do or not, life goes on, and I need to deal with what it gives me.
It's late. I'm tired, and I'm in a funk. I'm sure it'll pass in a little while, as it always does. Until then, this is where I'll need to release the pent-up emotion that comes from being low in a strange land and not being able to trust anyone.