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Sep. 30th, 2001

Cursed emotions! I just got off of the phone with Julia C., and now my emotional state's a mess. I miss the girl dearly, but I don't think there's a single other person alive who can make me this conflicted.

OK, that's not entirely true, but it sounded good. Basically, she told me how she has been talking to and opening up to Bret so much lately - she said she actually had to stop herself from calling him every day, whereas she almost has to remind herself to call her boyfriend - and one comment she made just stuck wiht me. It was a joke, of course, but, dammit.

I'm trying to calmly analyze this, and figure out exactly why it is that I'm seeing so much green right now. I think the biggest part is a veyr basic sense that she can communicate with him much easier than I can right now, and I want to be able to have the option of talking to him everyday if I want to. Basically, your average 5-year-old with the gimmes reaction. This, I can understand and rationalize and deal with, then move on.

However. There's also the fact that Julia opens up fairly easily to people - she doesn't hesitate to ask for help when she needs it, and she's not afraid to cry in front of someone. I, however, simply can't do that. My last conversation with Bret last night was a perfect example of this - I was having a horrible day and night, I wanted nothing more than to just break down and cry, and simply couldn't let myself. I know now why I called - I wanted affirmation that I was still loved, still missd, still cared about, because I was feeling invisible. I couldn't articulate any of these things. I feel almost like I can't quite drop my mask to Bret - there's a part of me that remembers that I've only known him for about three months, and that part worries that dropping the mask will be too much for him, and will push him away. If I let myself lean on him when I need support or comfort or whatever, I may lean too hard and end up pushing him away. I have so many safety catches still in place - many of them have been bypassed, but some remail that just need more time to overcome.

Julia, on the other hand, doesn't seem to have as many of these catches as I do. Thus, Bret knows her and has seen her through many more emotions than he has me. This frightens me. I feel like they're growing so close, in friendship, that I may just not have any place with either of them when they have each otehr. I know, I know, much of this is positively ridiculous - Julia says they talk about me at least part of the time, for Pete's sake - but that comment she made...I guess it just made me feel as though I were some passing fancy, while the *real* connection was between the two of them. It makes me wonder how things will be when I get back - will I just be in the way?

It's late, and I'm not-quite-overwhelmed by emotion (sidebar random quote: "I know you can be overwhelmed and underwhelmed, but can you just be whelmed?" "I think in Europe." Like I said, it's late.), thus a lot of this will seem ridiculous by light of day. Regardless, it stays, if only to remind myself of my insecurity and irrational(?) fears. All I know is that I'm not nearly as nervous as I could be about this situation, take from that what you will. And that I need to cheer up already! I hate these funks, and I'm sure my faithful readers would appreciate a less gloomy entry now and then.

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